48. Open Bars

48. Open Bars

Since bankers are grinding 24/7 at work they’re always looking to take advantage of any free time they have at night. With that in mind, the idea of an open bar, let alone a FREE open bar, is Christmas come early for a banking analyst. An open bar lets analysts act like they are back in college again, which isn’t too far in the past. The only issue? That they are in fact well paid employees of a top global company and represent the company in all of their actions….yeaaaaaa F that. Definitely not the first, second or fifth thing going through an analyst’s mind.

Soooo naturally one or a few people are going to enjoy their freedom a bit too much and think they are back in college. Simply drinking too much to the point of getting sick is no big surprise, since banking hours have made the analyst’s tolerance suffer. What I love is when an analyst not only drinks to the point of getting sick that night, but shows up to work the next day looking like he/she was hit by a truck and proceeds to make sweet love to the toilet bowl all day. Embarrassing? Yes. Big deal in the overall pyramid of drunken mistakes? Not really.

The mistakes can be amplified as you move up the food chain at a bank. I have heard stories of a married VP who couldn’t his alcohol and decided it was a smart idea to get in a cab and ask the cab to find him a hooker. Fortunately this VP had a trusty analyst hop in the car with him and remind him in not so gentle words that he was married with children and should probably go home. The VP agreed and said that he would hop in another cab to head home, thanking the analyst for reminding him. It would be OK if the story ended there. But instead, the VP decided to hop out of the cab and start sprinting away from the analyst. Out of shape VP < style="mso-spacerun: yes"> 10 points for the analyst, -50 points for the VP in the “Good Guy of the Year” award.

Want to know what can amplify any open bar mistakes? Open bar during the summer when young 21 year old interns are in tow. Oh yes, fresh meat. These college kids are ready to party to stay in shape for their senior years, and the analysts on up want to prove that they can still hang in terms of drinking. Disaster ensues. The mistakes can be “innocent” like a VP dancing around like a fool on bar tops, unaware of the fact that analysts have camera phones nowadays. Innocence can go to the wayside when the older folks decide that the interns are grownups, and should be treated as such, so the bankers decide to grope the analysts while dancing. Oh yes, this happens. Groping can lead to….yeah you get the drill. Open Bar + Summer + repressed i-bankers + young, eager interns = recipe for disaster

These are just a few examples of the various events I have been a witness to or heard stories about. You can add on to this drunken open bar bowling event stories, EDs stealing things from bars, fighting with random people in the street and ordering lobsters at 4:30 in the morning. The stories are endless. Feel free to post some of your best to amuse the rest of us. Enjoy saying goodbye to the interns if you haven’t already!

Follow me on Twitter!

Please follow me on Twitter as I find a new outlet for more bitterness (and humor). Feel free to send me any advice or ideas you may have for future posts. And don't use the "we can't use twitter at work" excuse. That's soft. Find a work around or check when you get home. It's not like you have a girlfriend besides good ol' Palm-ela H-anderson. Now follow me fools!

https://twitter.com/Ibank4life

47. Kids' Excuse

47. Kids' Excuse

(6pm Friday Night)

VP: I need you to run these scenarios through the model and update the deck as of today’s market close for the meeting on Tuesday.

Analyst: Do you mind if I do it tomorrow? I was hoping to go to a friend’s birthday dinner at 7.

VP: No I need you to do it tonight. There will be plenty of birthdays.

Analyst: Yup, ok. Are we going to go through the deck again tonight?

VP: No can do, need to get home to the kids. We can go through it this weekend. Heading home now, thanks.

Typical VP and Directors, they are more than happy to neglect their kids most of the time, but when they ask you to stay late when it is completely unnecessary, they are the first ones to break out the kids excuse. “Oh yeah, I need to get to little…..um….Timmy’s….I mean Danny’s clarinet recital.” Really sir? I thought you had a girl? And since when do they have recitals on Friday nights? The same guy who just told me my personal life means shit is all of a sudden this great family man who can’t miss a recital. And by the way, you make a million dollars a year, how about you buy the kid a real instrument, like the bass.

Trust me, I would love to be able to use my kids as an excuse to leave but unfortunately I’m not even allowed to go out on a Friday night to meet a girl who I might have a kid with one day. They should making a dating website just for investment banking analysts. It would be similar to JDate, catering to a certain group of people. It would harken back to our middle school days where a “relationship” was seeing a girl in school and going out on a weekend once a month, but otherwise only really talking over AOL Instant Messanger. That sounds like a great way to move a relationship forward, at least it always worked in 8^th grade.

If you want to use your kids as an excuse for leaving me stranded on a Friday night, at least let it be known at other times that you do in fact have kids and a wife. It’s called being “personal” with your employees. I see you as a friggin drill sergeant who shouts orders at me and makes my life miserable. I may actually respect you and want to work harder for you if I think you are a good family man. Maybe replace your stupid deal toys on your shelves showing how much money you have helped bring in with some photos of your wife and kids and/or an ugly fire truck your kid drew, and I will begin to buy the story. Until that day, how about you let me enjoy my Friday night and just update your damn pitchbook that you don’t need for another 5 days at some point during the weekend. You’re not reviewing it on Friday night anyways, you’re busy at the recital!

46. Citigroup

46. Citigroup

$50 million corporate jet? $400 million stadium naming rights deal? Really, Citigroup? Really? For a company that would have completely folded, a la Lehman Brothers, Citigroup seems to still think it is the leading bank in the world. It took hundreds of columnists and TV anchors discussing the stupidity of buying a corporate jet when facing bankruptcy for Citigroup to realize the purchase might not be the wisest decision. Are the people there that dense? Learn to use the phone or teleconference. Let’s put this into an everyday context: Let’s say a friend of yours said he was going broke and if you didn’t help him out with a loan his family would starve as would other people who depend on him for employment and money. So because you are a do-gooder always looking out for others, you decide to lend him some money to help him and his dependents out during these tough times. You overhear this friend a week later talking about the Porsche he has his sights on and is going to buy that weekend. Now, would that make you very happy? Probablyyyyyyy not.

Maybe Vikram and crew figured $50 million would go unnoticed since they have been given so much and no one is going to comb through their every purchase. Fine, be naïve and think the government won’t check up on their investment. But when you are about to pay $400 million over 20 years to brand your name on a stadium for the New York Mets, I’m prettyyyyy sure the government will not miss that one. I understand that if you want to work your way back to profitability you are going to have to do some marketing to nab rich investors and other customers. But is the best usage of $20 million in marketing dollars each year to put your name on a stadium in Queens, New York? I think it might be a bit wiser to market on television and print, which is quite a bit cheaper and reaches a broader audience. Citi could have paid for about 7 Super Bowl commercials with that kind of dough. And they would have reached over a hundred million Americans, rather than the bums who are venturing to see New York’s second class franchise play in Queens. Also, this deal eerily reminds me of another great financial institution that decided to go the route of naming a stadium, a little company called Enron. I mean it worked out well for them, so why not? If you asked a group of individuals throughout the world which they think is more well-known, the New York Mets or Citigroup, my money is that Citi would win. The Mets are a second-tier franchise in baseball, whereas Citi has been one of the leading financial institutions for many years. I don’t think Citi needs to link themselves up with the Mets, unless they want to advertise to the world that they are a second-rate bank…

I know I am not the only way saying all of this, but I think of Citi like an alcoholic, the more time the alchy is told he has a problem, the more likely he is to seek help and stop the drinking. Citi is like a alcoholic, stoner, meth-head and glue sniffer all tied up in one. Get a clue Viky and either stop the excessive spending or find yourself a new company to run into the ground.

45. Recession

45. Recession

The past few months have been the equivalent of someone taking a nine-iron and taking swings at your head. Occasionally the club hits its mark and knocks your lights out, and the other times it missed and you throw the middle finger up at the swinger…who precedes to clock you the next time. Lehman? Buh-bye. Bear? Adios. WaMu? Mooove on out. And the list goes on. If you are one of the “lucky” analysts who has kept your job in i-banking, bravo! Despite the hellish hours being spent pitching companies on the idea of IPOs in this shit market, at least you’re still bringing in the big money. And for those of you left to suffer in the worst job market in decades, at least you don’t have to spend all of your waking hours going down on your 20 and 30-something year old associates. You can never try to find your passion, that job you always wanted, rather than the job you only learned about sophomore year in college when you realized that girls dig a guy with cash.

The one thing we can all agree on is this market royally sucks. That bonus from a month ago that you decided to put in stocks because the market had bottomed out? Yeah that’s probably dropped about 20%. Not looking so hot anymore. Plenty of people will tell you, “You’re young, in 5 years when the market is back to normal you’ll be making money.” Thanks for the advice numbnuts, but if I had hid that money under my pillow like any sane person I would still have the same amount of money, and not ¾ of it.

To continue the random tangents of this blog, I’d like to point out to everyone that it doesn’t matter if you’re an i-banker, mortgage broker, gas attendant or bum on the street, everyone has to take some blame for this shitshow. When everything was going well over the past few years, we were all profiting and no one was complaining. Joe NoMoney who couldn’t afford a home suddenly had a nice 3-bedroom in Connecticut that he was able to pay the mortgage for because he could just keep refinancing as his home went up in value. Sure you can blame the bank who decided to not check Joe’s credit history or anything and just give him an adjustable rate mortgage, but at the same time Joe should’ve thought to himself that eventually he’d have to PAY the mortgage payments. You could also blame the investment banks, the Government, and everyone’s favorite couple: Fannie and Freddie. Back in 1999 they decided they’d help out the common folk and buy up this Subprime mortgages ignoring what could happen if housing prices stopped rising, because why would that ever happen…

Link to article about Fannie and Freddie in 1999:
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0DE7DB153EF933A0575AC0A96F958260&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=1

Hilarious explanation of the Subprime crisis:
http://docs.google.com/TeamPresent?docid=ddp4zq7n_0cdjsr4fn&skipauth=true&pli=1

So while most Americans blame the government for not bailing out the banks right now and have tighter regulation, I say to hell with everyone. These are the same people who during the boom times feel the government should stay out of everyone’s business and let free market principal’s rule. Well if you want the government to let the market figure itself out in the good times, then you must suffer the bad times when people get too loose in their actions and forget about moral hazard. I know it’s awful and I wish the government would come in with the quick fix, but a lot of these companies deserve to fail for giving mortgages to people with no money and who produced no documents. Every sector suffers because of the decisions of the financial sector to produce these risky mortgages that were so profitable for a time. It’s an awful thing, but if we do not want to all suffer like this we’d have to give up the free rein we’ve had for so long and give in to some government regulation. I am all for the regulation, but I just hate that once things get going well again, people will brush off the government and begin begging the government to take off the restraints and let the market roar once again with morals pushed aside.

Good luck to everyone during this tough times.

44. Procrastination

44. Procrastination

Investment banking analysts may be at the office 24/7, but that doesn’t mean we are working the whole time. While there may be enough to do so, even us elite minds cannot concentrate for 15 minutes straight unless one of our bosses is standing right behind us….shit, sorry sir, back to work…Anyways, like everyone we have the need for speed (the drug not velocity) and also the need to procrastinate, which is why I am typing this entry right now. I have discussed a few ways that analysts procrastinate in other entries of this blog, including Brickbreaker and reading blogs, but these are only the tip of the iceberg my friend. If one wants to become a true analyst master of looking like you are working while you are actually perusing job sites, there are a few things to know, and a few better procrastination tools.

The first thing to know is “Alt + tab.” The combination of this simple keystroke combination, and an open excel model that someone else built in 2002, will make it easy to hide the movie you are watching when an associate or MD walks by your desk. Wouldn’t want them to see you watching “Mamma Mia!” on hulu.com or surfthechannel.com, when you are supposed to be building an LBO model for some pitchbook. For any halfwit analyst, using “Alt+tab” becomes a natural instinct whenever you hear footsteps or sense the presence of someone else.

Another brilliant procrastination tool was sent to me a while back that is a few games put into excel. These games includes mini golf and Pac Man (the game with the yellow guy, not the football player who makes it rain in strip clubs), and are simply the full games but pasted into an excel files. This allows you to use “Alt+tab’s” cousin “Ctrl + tab.” Using this nifty shortcut you can easily move to another spreadsheet you have open, so your associate will not have to wonder what your open Internet explorer window is that is hidden.

While I’m the kind of guy that procrastinates with the basic reads, including espn.com, cnn.com, nyt.com and the intellectual pagesix.com, some people aspire for better sites and procrastination activities. Some analysts like to read about themselves so they turn to blogs written by other analysts or dealbreaker.com. During layoffs and bonus time, Dealbreaker gives little updates called “Bonus Watch 2008” or “Layoff Watch 2008” where analysts can read about what bonuses are given at different banks and what level people are being canned at other banks and their own. If you are an ambitious analyst you can pull a great prank by emailing Dealbreaker and telling them that you heard that half of the analysts in your group are being fired, or that bonuses for analysts at your bank will be half of what they were last year. This will likely cause your fellow analysts to shit the bed and maybe even quit out of misery, which moves you up the bonus ladder. Very niiiiiiice!

43. Brickbreaker

43. Brickbreaker

In the past cell phone users have been consumed with great games such as Snake, which could keep us occupied for 15-30 minutes while we waited for someone or took a subway somewhere. As times changed and RIM brought us the Crackberry, so too have the games we played changed. Blackberry brought us the game of all games, Brickbreaker. As most of you know, Brickbreaker is basically a new version of the great arcade game, Arkanoid. You fire little bullets at bricks trying to beat different levels and it seems so fascinating while you do it.

The great thing about Brickbreaker is that it gives every analyst an activity for the 15-30 minutes he spends on the toilet every day pretending to have serious stomach malfunctions. My roommate can attest to how time seems to fly by when playing Brickbreaker as he takes the Browns to the Super Bowl, drops the kids off at the pool, or drops bricks. What used to be a 5 minute trip to the john before returning to purgatory at your desk, now is an enjoyable 20 minutes spent blowing shit up thanks to that devil of a blackberry we all have to hold.

I had a fellow analyst in my group who got to 100,000 points on Brickbreaker, which is an amazing accomplish since I have only gotten to 20,000 once before crapping the bed (yes, the pooping theme continues. Analysts are mature creatures). Well when he got to 100,000 points he still had 100 lives remaining and was literally bored of the game because it was too easy for him. After spending a minute calling him a loser and crying because he is that much better than me, I asked him what he would do next. Turns out he was so bored by the easiness of the game that he didn’t even feel like playing anymore. The problem is, this is a kid who is a part of the frequent flyer/crapper club and needed some activity while releasing the hounds. Without this little game to occupy his time in the loo (yeah I went British on you), his mind would be stuck on thinking about how much he hates his job. HELP! What can he do?

I see only one fix. I call on the makers of Oregon Trail to make a game for Blackberries. Not only is this one of the greatest games ever, but it also is pretty darn time consuming. Some other great features that make it the perfect game for analysts is the fact that you can name the characters with the names of those friends of yours that you have not seen in months, and feel like you are right there with them. That is until you cut their rations and they die of cholera, but that’s life… Oregon Trail also gives analysts the ability to use a gun to kill food, which allows us to take out our frustrations on an animal even dumber than an associate. Lastly, Oregon Trail has so many different levels and people that you can be, that the game will never lose its luster. So my fellow analysts, I urge you to join my petition to get this game for the Blackberry, or if it exists, post the link on the comment board. We all thank you in advance, and good luck with the dysentery and caulking that wagon and floating.

42. Mondays

42. Mondays

You’re probably thinking this one is pretty generic and “doesn’t everyone hate Mondays?” Well, you may be right, I may be crazy, but no one hates them as much as an investment banking analyst.

The average twenty-three year old not far out of college works a 9-6 job and can enjoy his nights and weekends. The reason Average Joe hates Mondays so much? Because he just had an amazing Friday night – Sunday night of freedom doing things he loves, and now he is back in a cubicle staring at his Dell.

The reason Dbag I. Banker, IV hates his job? Because he just spent all weekend at work despite the fact that his girlfriend was in town visiting for the first time in 6 months, and now he is at work on a Monday knowing there is no real sleep in sight for at least another 4 days.

I had the luxury of watching Office Space the other night for the hundredth time, which is why this entry sprung to mind. Don’t you just wish you could be like Peter in Office Space when Lundberg tells him to “Um, yeaaaaa, I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday. And yeaaa, Sunday too”? (Watch from the 4:15 mark to like 6:00 in my opinion). Instead of obeying, just sleep in on Saturday and zone out, fish and enjoy spending time with Jennifer Aniston. Sounds like the perfect weekend to me. Peter basically ruined work ethic for people like me because he made me realize that I do so much useless crap that I just don’t enjoy. I may not fill out a TPS report, but there’s plenty of other mindless procedures. In Office Space, Peter is able to just say “F it” to his job and yet get a promotion through his brutal honesty. Maybe I should try that….

Oh, and for those of you who haven’t seen Office Space, what the hell are you doing with your life? One of the funniest movies of the past decade. Quit watching porn, and rent this from Netflix or Blockbuster, ASAP. It won’t make your life any better, but it will definitely make you laugh at your job and say “Oh, I’ve been there.”

41. Quitting

41. Quitting

The only thing better than being an investment banking analyst? Being an ex-investment banking analyst. It’s the day every analyst dreams of, when he can throw his blackberry against the wall and say, “Peace, I’m out.” This day may not come until two years after you start if you stick to the plan, or even three years if you were not good enough to land a hedge fund or private equity gig. For those more ambitious analysts, or ones who f*ckin’ hate the job, “F you, I quit” day may come much sooner.

The true baller leaves before the first year bonus is even received because of sheer hatred of the job or a better gig. These analysts are usually hated by the firms for not living up to their end of the bargain, but at the same time loved by the firms because they mean less little mooches wasting money on SeamlessWeb, taxis, black cars, and reaping a decent bonus and salary. Making some analysts so miserable that they quit, equals not having to layoff any analysts and being able to continue to say, “Despite our $80 billion loss this quarter, things will not get any worse… at least until we announce next quarter’s results.” The reasons for an analyst to quit pre-bonus are far shorter than post-bonus.

To leave pre-bonus you might hate the job so much you’re willing to leave without a job lined up and will scrub toilets for $10 an hour just to get out of the hell hole. Another reason might be that you found a job at a hedge fund or PE shop, and they want you ASAP for a sizeable signing bonus. Or maybe you miss the days of smashing beer cans against your head and want to return to college for some type of graduate study. The possibilities are endless for leaving pre-bonus, but the analyst usually has a nice gig lined up or truly hates life in investment banking, take your pick.

Far more analysts up to quit the day after bonus day in July or August. This is a terrific “F you” to the firm since you are taking the money and running. These analysts have far more reasons for leaving. After getting a nice sum of money, some opt to do some good in the world by traveling to a third-world country to volunteer or joining a microfinance organization. Others take the bonus money, then take a nice signing bonus from a hedge fund or PE firm and start making even more money. These are the all-star analysts who are money hungry and willing to sell one of their kidneys to make a nickel. These analysts may hate investment banking just as much as the pre-bonus quitters, but they are either smart enough or fortunate enough to be able to wait until after the bonus. Or they just have smaller cahones and are willing to take the pounding in the behind.

For you analysts out there considering taking the plunge and quitting before your two years are up, I applaud you for your year of service and wish you the best in your more enjoyable future ventures. For you analysts who hate the analyst job as much as the next guy but are sticking it out, I urge you to reconsider and search for your passion (and for a job that offers more free time). And finally, for you analysts who enjoy the role and can’t wait for your third year and future roles, what are you smoking and where can I get some of that sh*t?

40. Models and Bottles

40. Models and Bottles

When my brother asked what I do as an investment banking analyst, my answer to him was simple: “Models and bottles, baby.” He laughed, but soon stopped, as he realized I was not kidding. We do financial models, not fashion models unfortunately, during the day, and drink bottles at clubs at night. Following the common Ivy League mantra of “Work hard, play hard,” investment bankers like to burn the candle on both ends. Need proof? YouTube videos never lie:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=v0TGpe2KMUs&feature=related

Doesn’t sound like too rough of a life, does it? Working hard, but being able to afford convertibles and bottles and hundred dollar drinks at the top clubs in NYC, like the guy in the video. And he’s only an i-banking analyst! What more can one person accomplish upon becoming an associate, and even higher up? Own a club?

While this may sounds like a great life, the truth is that it’s all a lie. Well, at least mostly a lie. There’ absolutely no chance at fashion models, since no one that good looking would work at an investment banker. Yes, I do financial models during the day, but that is only if I’m on an interesting deal. For the most part I do monotonous work in Excel and PowerPoint. As for the bottles part, it’s more like bottles of 3-buck Chuck for me and Red Bull for others. While it is true that some 2nd and 3rd year may get bottles at clubs, there is no way in hell they can afford to do that at the trendy clubs every Thursday-Saturday and buy bottles. And, while the video shows the Analyst in a convertible, I’d say the odds of an analyst being able to afford a nice car to drive and park it in NYC are about as slim as my odds of taking Kimbo Slice in a street fight.

In conclusion, while it makes for a more interesting answer than the real investment banking job description, “models and bottles” is a bit of a stretch. While I love to make it rain like Pacman Jones, it’s just not possible every night. Once a week, maybe.

39. Comps

39. Comps

Comparable companies analysis is so popular in investment banking that, like Madonna, it simply goes by one name, “comps.” Investment bankers love to look at comps to see how companies in are doing against their competitors. Most presentations will include a page showing the stock price, market cap, and some other financial metrics for the client’s comp set. Some higher ups will opt to include to a simple Excel table with the companies and metrics, but other bosses want to show their creativity with a pretty visual showing where the comps rank against each other in various metrics.

When a higher up want to see the comps for a company he will ask an analyst to “spread the comps.” Usually I opt to reply by telling my boss to spread his butt cheeks and stick the comps up there. I’m guessing he would enjoy that experience if the comp set were big enough... Setting up a comps page in a presentation can be an easy exercise if the group has a file that is updated quarterly for the financials of a bunch of companies in the industry. This will make things easier because it means all I have to do is format a page, which is what an analyst does best. I like to think of myself as a glorified assistant who is the master of the Microsoft suite of products.

During a meeting, a comps page is usually not a huge page of interest, since it is just a whole bunch of numbers and will not convince a company to do a deal or raise capital. However, this comps page can be the most scrutinized by the associate and MD because they want each number to be correct and make sure every company they are interested in is shown. When the boss decides to start adding companies, new metrics, and wants the financials updated for the most recent quarter despite the group file not having been updated yet, this easy comps task but an arduous affair. Digging through 10-Ks, 10-Qs, earnings releases and financial supplements to find company data is about as fun as a trip to the dentist’s office (for the non-masochists out there). After finding all this data, putting it into Excel, and formatting the page as the higher up wants it, the fun still does not end! You may be asking “How much more fun can one analyst have in the job?!?!” Well, my friend, in comes the high-rolling, life-loving, jacka$$ associate who wants to check every single number and make sure the analyst is there to walk him through it all. So, not only did I get to find all the numbers once and note where I got them, but also I have the pleasure of teaching my dimwitted, feeble-minded associate how to read a note in Excel and open PDF files. Hoorayyyyy banking!

38. Training

38. Training

After a year’s worth of service to the investment banking gods, it comes time to teach a new set of fresh minds what it will take to survive the gauntlet I call work. HR and group heads assume that since we completed training only a year ago we know what would be best to teach the new first year analysts. So, they ask/tell us that we will be leading training and that it will “be a great experience” to share our vast ocean of knowledge. Translation: You know how to use Excel, PowerPoint, and Word, so teach the new set of monkeys what they need to know about these programs. Oh my, what an honor, yes I would love the chance to begin sucking the life out of these new analysts.

The real reason the banks are asking analysts to help out with training so much? Another chance to cut costs, of course. Instead of paying companies that specialize in training analysts and have years of experience in the field, I have a better idea! Let’s take a group of twenty-somethings who we are already paying to be analysts, and just have them teach the new analysts to do exactly what they do. No matter if these analysts suck at what they do and will be teaching incorrect methods and shortcuts, as long as we can spend no additional money. Brilliant! Little do they know that analysts don’t want to teach the boring methods and techniques the trainers use, and instead would rather crack jokes that are finance-related. Obviously the new analysts need to hear that “Chuck Norris doesn't buy gold to hedge against inflation. Gold buys Chuck Norris to hedge against inflation.” Also, “Chuck Norris doesn't target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks it until it begs for mercy.” If I had been taught these lessons a year ago, top bucket would have been a walk in the park.

At least the investment banks give analysts an incentive to put maximum effort into the training program. Oh wait….really?....they don’t give analysts any less work or some time of added bonus for volunteering to help?....Wow, that’s just wrong. I’d love to stay and tell you more about FactSet, but I just remembered I’m not paid to be a trainer. It’ll really suck when an MD asks you to do that comp set and you have no clue what that means. I guess the bank should’ve sucked it up and paid some real trainers. Investment banks used to argue over who provided the best training on the street. Now they compete to see who can get the most out of their analysts with the least costs. Social events during training? Hip clubs used to be in, but this year it is all about ice cream socials and scavenger hunts. So much more fun and “New York.” Excuse me while I go teach some new paper pushers how to kiss ass effectively.

37. Sunset

37. Sunset

For some, the sunset is a beautiful vista that is a great backdrop for a romantic moment. Many people go for a walk on the Brooklyn Bridge to take in the amazing view while the sunsets. That’s all nice and sweet, but some of us don’t enjoy watching The Notebook and crying ourselves to sleep. For those of us that eat raw meat off the bone and use machetes to shave, the red of the sunset is a sign of the blood of our clients that we need to sew up. During these dismal times companies feel the need to shore up their balance sheet by raising a lot of money, and since we know M&A and IPOs are few and far between, we are right there for these companies filling their capital needs. It’s kind of like a fat kid with chocolate. You know you should cut the kid off and tell him more chocolate won’t help his obesity, but you make money when more fatties buy the chocolates. So keep us those bloated balance sheets so I can keep getting a bonus.

Most people are off work by the time the sunsets, but for investment bankers the sunset is when we get to the serious work. Investment bankers put on great performances during meetings and tell a convincing story, but once the sky gets dark, like Dracula, these bloodsuckers begin thinking up the next way to get paid. If every kid stayed away from sweets and brushed his/her teeth, dentists would have no jobs. Same thing goes for investment banks, if we only advised companies to invest in very safe assets and only do a deal if it was bulletproof, how would we keep up our growth? The world isn’t all sunshine and gumballs, and we let clients know that while the sunset may more a beautiful point in their day today, tomorrow the sun could set on their company’s bright and shiny future. So don’t let the sun go down on you because ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, only darkness every day. Raise capital and make acquisitions to avoid being a part of an Elton John or Bill Withers song.

36. Sports

36. Sports

I have always been a big sports fan but considered it useless knowledge for the most part. I would talk sports with friends and family, but figured watching sports would have no effect on my ability to blend in at an investment bank. Financial modeling skills and industry know-how may help get you middle bucket, but to hit a home run it helps to be able to make small talk with the bigwigs of the company. Politics? Big no-no in office conversations. Religion? STEER CLEAR! Sports? Who doesn’t want to talk about the games that they missed due to work, but saw the highlights of on Sportscenter? A lot of investment bankers were former college athletes, or at least former normal guys who liked to watch the big horse race or catch a baseball game on a weekend. They always talk about teamwork and ability to work under pressure as key elements to being an investment banking analyst, so it’s no surprise that athletes tend to grace the i-bank hallways.

I realized the importance of sports knowledge for the job from two incidents my roommates had at work. My first roommate was on an internal call last year when two of his coworkers began discussing how Barry Bonds was great for a while but now was getting old and worse. Being that it was during his first two weeks, when the call ended my roommate went over to his boss and asked what “barry bonds” were and what kind of interest and maturity schedules they held. His boss laughed, wondered if my roommate was serious, and then told him Barry Bonds was a baseball player. Then, he fired my roommate…just kidding, but the story itself is true. The second instance was not quite as embarrassing. Turns out my roommate’s boss was talking to him about how much Yankee first baseman Jason Giambi was sucking this season and my roommate responded saying, “I guess they shouldn’t have traded Don Mattingly.” For those non-sports fans out there, study up, because Don Mattingly retired about a decade ago, about the same time my roommate stopped trading baseball playing cards and being cool basically.

While sports knowledge is not a necessity, it is damn near close. If you went to Georgetown, you better know they didn’t make it past the Sweet 16 last year because Roy Hibbert is a stiff. If asked to join your group’s fantasy football league, don’t crack a joke telling your coworker to get a life. He’s obviously much cooler than you because he’s the league commissioner. Instead, simply ask a guy friend with some cahones to help you out, and get ready for the draft. I’m not telling you to study the baseball almanac, but simply knowing the big name players to come from your school, how the teams in your area are doing and knowing the rules of the game will help you fit in better around the office.

Sports knowledge is not my problem, so instead I study up for the rare situations I could find myself in. If I wind up in a conversation with non-sports fan coworkers discussing the new Sex and the City movie, you know I’ll be ready to discuss how it got terrible reviews and is not as good as the show, but that it was really nice to see all of the girls together again. Have I seen it? No, but I’m not going to let them box me out of the conversation. And nor should you during a sports talk. So use this as your playbook and make espn.com you homepage.

35. Starbucks

35. Starbucks

Investment banks and Starbucks go together like Barry Bonds and steroids. The former relies on the latter to be great. Bonds was a top player before steroids but after he started juicing in the 90s he started hitting home runs at a record rate and eventually broke the record for single-season and all-time home runs. Investment banks would do a fine job without the goods from Starbucks but earnings would be down more and most bankers would pass out on the jobs. Starbucks helps juice the i-bankers up to work long hours and be happy doing monotonous work.

Starbucks is not only the place where bankers get their caffeine kicks, but it also serves as a common meeting place to get out of the office. It’s the perfect excuse because no boss will deny his analysts the chance to get some caffeine so they can stay awake all night. Starbucks has become a staple in our society, serving as the place to casually meet someone and chat. In the eyes of a lonely investment banking guy, it may serve as a place to have a pseudo-date. In the eyes of the girl it may just be seen as two friends catching up, but we won’t count her opinion.

Starbucks cups litter the offices of investment banks and serve as trophies of our hard work. Lucites may show the deals we have done, but Starbucks leftovers show the hours we put in even for the pitches and internal meetings. They say, “Behind every great man, there’s a great woman.” Well, below or next to every investment bank is a Starbucks. Separately they are top of the heap, but together they become truly great.

34. Pandora

34. Pandora

Although it has been around at least three years (when I found it), a different investment banker will claim to have found this wonderful website once a month. Pandora.com allows you to make music stations that will play music from your favorite artists and artists that the program thinks are similar to the artist you like. Pretty nifty program for someone who likes hearing new music from artists they may not know, and for the occasional cheap investment banker who doesn’t want to pay for an ipod or to download legal music.

When an investment banker is “jamming” on work late at night, it can be helpful to have some music playing to jam while you “jam” (and maybe even eat some jam too...awful joke). Anyways, Pandora is a favorite of investment bankers because you can create multiple channels and don’t have to get bored by the same ol’ music on your ipod. What’s so amazing is that despite everyone liking the program and it being around for years, people still discover it today and think they have found a hidden treasure. This person, usually an associate obviously, will come over to an analyst claiming to have found the greatest thing since sliced bread only to be told that the website has been around for years. This leads to tears followed by me being given another few hours of boring work. But at least I made him feel like shit for a few minutes, I’ll take that to the grave!

I recommend you all try out the website, use it enough to realize that after a few customizations you channel will play the same 20 or so songs, then be prepared to snicker at the next person who brings it up. Amateurs.

33. Hierarchy

33. Hierarchy

Investment banks have the ultimate hierarchical structure where employees know the rungs of the ladder they have to climb. If you join as an analyst you can expect 3 years in that role, another 3 years as an associate, a few years as a Vice President (or the equivalent depending on the bank), then another rung before reaching the ultimate sanctuary of Managing Director-hood. This seems like a nice, simple set of steps, but in order to succeed in this game of investment banking you must survive the gauntlet of down markets and layoffs. Oh yeah, and you also must be sure to be halfway-decent at what you do because there’s no room for someone who sucks (unless he or she is an associate)

For analysts, the hierarchy in banking provides some pros and cons. The advantages from this structure include the ability to know the path your life can take if you work hard, and know your potential earnings. The analyst can see that all the crap work he does has a light at the end of the tunnel, even if that light will cause him to look 60 by the time he’s 40 and never have a nice family life. But what’s important is that green light the analyst can see (incase you’re a bit slow, the light is green because green is the color of MONEY). The other positive that comes from the investment banking hierarchy is that it means less pressure on the analyst. Boss, there’s a mistake in the presentation? Oh, I guess the associate should have checked that closer. While every analyst should check his work and take pride in his ability to not need an associate, in those rare slipups, it is nice to be able to shuffle some of that blame off to your richer, older, and “wiser” associate.

The main negative of the investment banking hierarchy is the layers of bosses. Instead of just one boss that I respect and view as knowledgeable, I also have a middle manager (AKA associate) that I don’t always respect and think of as less knowledgeable than myself (associate). As an investment banking analyst I have so many bosses. There are the managing directors and others who have been in banking for many years and can drop knowledge on me at any moment. They also draw up the presentations and know what they want to say in the meetings with clients. Beneath these veterans are the rookies in the game who seem to think they are veterans. First-year associates with no investment banking experience want to show analysts that they are older and wiser (false), while showing the higher ups that they can one day join the upper echelon of the firm. The problem is, I now have to act like the associate is my boss, and so if I am on a call with the associate and a higher up, I have to dumb myself down so that I do not throw my associate “under the bus.” I have been on a call where the higher up got tired of the associate not picking up a simple concept and called me out asking if I understand and can just do it, and I said “yes” because he is my boss in the overall scheme of things. The problem with this is that I work more directly with the associate daily, so he will now take pride in screwing me over and giving me even more useless work all so he can concentrate on reading and being able to appear smarter than me next time. Stupid system.

Overall, I’d say the system is a mess thanks to first-year associates trying to impress at all moments and wield their power, when in reality they do not know the concepts or computer tricks and would be lost without analysts. Overpaid and under worked I say. Pay me the same amount as them and I’d at least earn it.

32. Trash Talking

32. Trash Talking

The second associate X leaves our bullpen one of my cubemates immediately throws a pen where X was standing and curses him out as if he was still there. Of course my fellow analyst is not stupid enough to talk back to the associate and tell him that he is a useless lowlife. Instead he opts for the safer route of talking sh*t once the associate leaves the area and letting all of us know how dumb and demeaning the X is towards him.

While in sports athletes like Chad Johnson and Sam Cassell will talk trash to your face in the middle of the game, investment bankers are not quite as tough. At every level of the food chain, bankers know better than to talk trash directly to the people above them. Yes, this may be true in every workplace, but investment banks fill themselves with employees who finished at the top of their class in school so think they are smarter and more deserving than the next guy. The egos are huge, the testosterone is at Barry Bonds level, and the trash talking in prevalent in whispers. You can cut the tension with a knife!

With a job like investment banking where more than 50% of the compensation is from the bonus, employees rely on getting good reviews from their bosses and peers. That means taking it in the rear from your bosses and always seeming like you’re working hard and happy to be doing so. The truth is, once the boss turns his head you are flicking him off and mocking his voice to your confidants in your group. Not the ideal environment but investment banking is a dog-eat-dog world where a lot of money hungry people are fighting for an even smaller pie of bonuses. While you are talking smack about your boss or peers, they are probably doing the same thing about you, except their word actually means something. Gotta love a true hierarchy….

31. Summer

31. Summer

Warm weather, Hamptons, sun, beaches, bonuses, interns, vacation and girls in skimpy clothing. All things that come to the mind of a young investment banking analyst when the calendar hits June. Oh yes, we may be saying goodbye to those wonderful second year analysts who taught us first year analysts so much, but at the same time we are bringing in a fresh crop of young minds that we can make do our dirty work. I can now pass on my knowledge of modeling, PowerPoint, Excel, moving my mouse to make it seem like I’m working and avoiding staffings.

The workload drops a bit during the summer thanks to bosses taking summer vacations with their families. This marks the first time they have seen their families on a weekday since Labor Day. We are taught to pretend that we are doing important things so that interns can feel like they are really accomplishing stuff, when truthfully they are doing meaningless tasks that will be scrutinized but never used. A lot of the work during the summer is teaching interns, assisting with the training of interns and future analysts, and coming up with a list of the girls who turned me down over the years and shoving my top tier bonus in their face. I’m Rick James b*tch!!

The easy days of summer mean finding some time to do things you wouldn’t normally be able to do during a workday. Last summer I found the time to go to a Red Sox-Yankees game during the day while my some of my coworkers went to a taping of the Letterman show. Sure, there are still some pitches and deals going on, but people lose their SAD disorder and the mood turns brighter. Most of the people are still d-bags, but at least they are happier d-bags now who will be less likely to screw your weekend if it could mean them missing their trip to the Hamptons.

My advice to you, plan for the best, but be prepared for the worst. And if someone tries to screw you over for the weekend, just remind him that the money to pay for your cancelled trip comes directly out of his bonus. That’ll get’em every time.

Summer, summer, summertime.
Time to sit back and unwind.

30. 3rd Year

30. 3rd Year

As an investment banking analyst I signed a 2 year contract. I am able to break the contract before the time is up, and as a few of my friends have come to learn, the firm is able to terminate the contract early as well. So, what to do after your two years in banking are up (if you are not laid off before)? The opportunities are endless. The classic routes are hedge funds and Private Equity. These paths are both the roads more traveled, and allow analysts to continue on the paths of finance and “get rich quick.” Another route involves staying with your investment banking firm in some capacity, whether it be to continue as a whipping boy, or move to some other, less painful for your rear, position within the firm. And, if you want to go nuts, you can do something completely different than these three paths, but that would imply some extra effort and veering from the set paths, so let’s play it safe.

The craze about a third year begins in January of the first year of being an analyst. It is completely crazy and as they like to say, “it happens earlier every year.” Well this year, after the New Year struck we were off to the races. Unlike years past where everyone was putting on the PE or hedge fund hat, people have legitimately been considering staying put. If you are an analyst at a bulge bracket bank, it is definitely the safest place to be, and if you are one of the ones laid off you get a pretty sweet severance package of a few months salary and a bonus. Not too shabby, especially if you can manage to find a new job within a few months time. There are also those who consider a third year somewhere at the bank because they may have not been a true, hardcore investment banker, but instead wallowed their days away in capital markets, sales & trading, or a smaller, less baller firm. The headhunters don’t actually knock down the doors for these folks, so they are “lucky” enough to be able to learn more about the wonderful world of investment banking. Woo hoo!

As the end of the first year for some analysts approaches, and the exit door for some second year analysts draws near, we all converse about what each other’s plan is for the third year. It’s the hot gossip on the street and will change the marketplace for the coming year. If more analysts stay put, investment banks can hire less in the coming year and continue their cost cutting affair. This will mean a shortage of talent for the hedge funds and PE shops, but who really cares since half of them will go under in this bear market anyways. The real warriors of this game are the ones who step out of the box and shoot for the stars. Just because you went to an ivy league school, got to choose between consulting and i-banking, and can now choose between hedge funds, private equity, and more i-banking, does not mean you have to continue to follow this path. Break the mold! There is more out there, it just requires some effort. These high paying, high hour jobs come calling for the top students because they know these kids are smart and willing to put in the hours. But what if we are smart enough to know that we can earn a little less money for a lot less hours, thus increasing our happiness and maybe only slightly decreasing our pay per hour? Sounds like a great deal to me! So be a rebel and go for the gold (Yes the Olympics are coming up).