15. Microsoft Excel
If this list were in any type of order, Microsoft Excel would probably be at the top. This brainchild of Bill Gates allows investment bankers to do things our parents could have only imagined. This program allows us to value companies using all types of inputs, assumptions and formulas. Back in the old days, bankers had to do this on pen and paper, and most valuations were just like Ebay auctions with bidders using their gut to value the company. And if you decided you wanted to change one little number in the 1,000 rows of data? Well, basically you were screwed. But with handy Excel, once you have the setup in place you can make small changes and everything flows through. It’s simply amazing. Microsoft Excel allows me to do anything my bosses’ hearts desire. Want to see an accretion/dilution analysis by 9am tomorrow morning? No problem. Excel and I will get to work! It truly is amazing to think how things used to be done.
Just because it CAN be done, does not mean I want to do it though. Life must have been great for analysts back in the good old days because there were so many things that could simply not be done. There was no excel and no macros. I couldn’t just go to the SEC website and pull companies 10Ks and 10Qs. I wasn’t able to get a consensus view by analysts on how much company X was going to earn per diluted share in 2010. Unless of course I called each analyst and begged for them to tell me their thoughts. Most of these things were just unheard of. While it’s amazing how the world has changed and how many analyses can now be done, that doesn’t mean we need to do them all. Most CEOs will not even look at half the stuff we present, so why even do it. Excel allows us to go the extra mile, so we push ourselves and go two.
The other things investment bankers love about excel are macros and shortcuts. Where would my life be without you Alt+E+S+T? (Allows you to paste the format from one cell to another). These little shortcuts allow investment bankers to make our worksheets look proper and save us a great deal of time. Macros do the same thing, allowing investment bankers to at a firm all make tables and charts that will look the same so our presentations don’t look different every time. This uniformity lets us to show our clients a clean presentation and analysis. During training, the programs like Training the Street even have contests to see how quickly investment banking analysts can format in Excel using all the shortcuts we have been taught. The sad thing is, they brainwash us to the point where we think it’s cool and really want to be the fastest. Who wants to play the guitar or go for a run outside, when you can be the fastest Excel formatter in the land? It’s like the investment banking wild wild west. Noose anyone? The programs keep a scoreboard from all the banks and lead us in cheers for our top competitors. The fastest formatter can wear this title like a badge of honor and even put this accolade on the good ol’ resume.
Excel can make or break an analyst’s career. Become good at Excel and you will prosper in life. Fail to grasp the complexities of this mystical program? You will be doomed to fail. Don’t let Excel break your will young grasshopper.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
14. Lucites
14. Lucites
Some of you may be wondering what a Lucite even is, let alone why investment bankers like them so much. Well they’re little expensive toys that celebrate the multi-billion dollar deals we get done. Companies like The Award Group make these stupid little toys that help us remind our clients how great of a job we did for them and why they should continue giving us millions of dollars. Say you help Burger King do an IPO and raise $5 billion dollars. What better way to keep you on their mind than to give them a burger made of glass with your name next to theirs. And we as bankers keep these things above our desks like trophies to remind all of our coworkers of our success and why we deserve a higher bonus then them. Pompous? Lil’ bit.
During cost cutting times you’d think that we would just get rid of this act of wasting money on overpriced little toys, but these companies make sure to hound us and convince us that they are necessary. They set up little lunches or offer us tickets to events, figuring that they can take advantage of our love of free stuff and convince us that we need these “deal toys.” I refuse to eat during these lunches figuring that they are trying to drug me into believing them. You will not get to me Award Group! They also give us free golf putter sets and even put our business cards in pieces of glass to have our first Lucite. Wow, I feel special, I have my business card in a piece of fake glass! (I have one, it’s friggin’ sweet)
Here’s an idea, how about instead of wasting money on these self-congratulatory toys, we just saved the money. Maybe then we would have more money to pay employees and not lay as many people off. Or, better yet, if we felt like giving away money, we could give it to a charity or some other socially conscious organization. When I was younger I always loved receiving trophies for sports. They even gave trophies if your team finished in last place, because it made you feel good about yourself and that you were doing a good job. Well, guess what? Investment bankers should not need trophies for their every accomplishment. Isn’t the bonus enough of a trophy? Why is it that we as investment bankers need these ego boosts? They even brainwash young investment bankers like myself to think Lucites are the greatest things since sliced bread. “Analyst, if you work on this project 24/7 you’ll get a Lucite!” The firm will make millions from my hard work but I will see no part of this money, but I willllllll get a stupid piece of glass. YAAAY!
Some of you may be wondering what a Lucite even is, let alone why investment bankers like them so much. Well they’re little expensive toys that celebrate the multi-billion dollar deals we get done. Companies like The Award Group make these stupid little toys that help us remind our clients how great of a job we did for them and why they should continue giving us millions of dollars. Say you help Burger King do an IPO and raise $5 billion dollars. What better way to keep you on their mind than to give them a burger made of glass with your name next to theirs. And we as bankers keep these things above our desks like trophies to remind all of our coworkers of our success and why we deserve a higher bonus then them. Pompous? Lil’ bit.
During cost cutting times you’d think that we would just get rid of this act of wasting money on overpriced little toys, but these companies make sure to hound us and convince us that they are necessary. They set up little lunches or offer us tickets to events, figuring that they can take advantage of our love of free stuff and convince us that we need these “deal toys.” I refuse to eat during these lunches figuring that they are trying to drug me into believing them. You will not get to me Award Group! They also give us free golf putter sets and even put our business cards in pieces of glass to have our first Lucite. Wow, I feel special, I have my business card in a piece of fake glass! (I have one, it’s friggin’ sweet)
Here’s an idea, how about instead of wasting money on these self-congratulatory toys, we just saved the money. Maybe then we would have more money to pay employees and not lay as many people off. Or, better yet, if we felt like giving away money, we could give it to a charity or some other socially conscious organization. When I was younger I always loved receiving trophies for sports. They even gave trophies if your team finished in last place, because it made you feel good about yourself and that you were doing a good job. Well, guess what? Investment bankers should not need trophies for their every accomplishment. Isn’t the bonus enough of a trophy? Why is it that we as investment bankers need these ego boosts? They even brainwash young investment bankers like myself to think Lucites are the greatest things since sliced bread. “Analyst, if you work on this project 24/7 you’ll get a Lucite!” The firm will make millions from my hard work but I will see no part of this money, but I willllllll get a stupid piece of glass. YAAAY!
Friday, May 9, 2008
13. Gossip
13. Gossip
During my first few weeks of work someone left a People magazine in my bullpen and every time a higher up came in he would open the magazine. He would laugh it off saying “Who brought a People magazine, newbie?” The funny thing is, that despite him trying to make fun of me, he would continue to read the magazine. I always saw my mom read People and I would peruse it occasionally to get my fill of gossip, but I knew it was a faux paux to be caught reading that “trash” in public, especially if you are a guy. Yet these big dogs who make seven-figure salaries would hang in my bullpen for 10 minutes to get caught up with the life of Lindsay Lohan.
While none are admitting to watching Gossip Girl and E!, no one is afraid to admit to reading the banker equivalent, Dealbreaker. Whether it’s news of the latest merger or the latest bank to layoff 10% of its workforce, i-bankers will email links back and forth. “Oooooo, Lehman is cutting 1,000 investment bankers, are we next?” “You think they might start firing analysts?” “Which associate is the next to go?” The gossip is non-stop.
When someone quits or gets fired the whispers begin. “Why do you think he was fired” “Do you know why she quit?” I think everyone wants to know for two reasons. In the case of firings, people want to know what they have to avoid doing in order to not be the next to see the door. In the case of people quitting, people want to know what else is out there and see if maybe they should leave as well. “He got that job? I’m so much more qualified.” Often people gossip out of jealousy. Talking is their way of venting their frustration, and i-bankers have a lot of frustration.
I used my banker money to see the Broadway show Avenue Q and there was a song that perfectly described i-bankers love of gossip. The word “schadenfreude” means to take pleasure in another person’s pain. Perfect for miserable bankers who are angry at the world because they are stuck in the office 24/7 and have shitty social lives, love lives, and basically lives in general minus the whole wealth aspect. When i-bankers hear about firings they immediately get nervous and pray it’s not them. As the firings occur they will act like they knew all along it wasn’t them, but still nervously ask around about who was canned. Then they will talk about that person’s faults and discuss their various shortcomings.
I personally think i-bankers are soft in their gossiping. A real man will read Page Six as well so they have bar conversation as well. Who the hell cares if Jimmy Cayne was out playing Bridge while Bear was going down? What I really want to know is which celebrity got a DUI and if I’m going to see Eli Manning at Nobu this weekend.
During my first few weeks of work someone left a People magazine in my bullpen and every time a higher up came in he would open the magazine. He would laugh it off saying “Who brought a People magazine, newbie?” The funny thing is, that despite him trying to make fun of me, he would continue to read the magazine. I always saw my mom read People and I would peruse it occasionally to get my fill of gossip, but I knew it was a faux paux to be caught reading that “trash” in public, especially if you are a guy. Yet these big dogs who make seven-figure salaries would hang in my bullpen for 10 minutes to get caught up with the life of Lindsay Lohan.
While none are admitting to watching Gossip Girl and E!, no one is afraid to admit to reading the banker equivalent, Dealbreaker. Whether it’s news of the latest merger or the latest bank to layoff 10% of its workforce, i-bankers will email links back and forth. “Oooooo, Lehman is cutting 1,000 investment bankers, are we next?” “You think they might start firing analysts?” “Which associate is the next to go?” The gossip is non-stop.
When someone quits or gets fired the whispers begin. “Why do you think he was fired” “Do you know why she quit?” I think everyone wants to know for two reasons. In the case of firings, people want to know what they have to avoid doing in order to not be the next to see the door. In the case of people quitting, people want to know what else is out there and see if maybe they should leave as well. “He got that job? I’m so much more qualified.” Often people gossip out of jealousy. Talking is their way of venting their frustration, and i-bankers have a lot of frustration.
I used my banker money to see the Broadway show Avenue Q and there was a song that perfectly described i-bankers love of gossip. The word “schadenfreude” means to take pleasure in another person’s pain. Perfect for miserable bankers who are angry at the world because they are stuck in the office 24/7 and have shitty social lives, love lives, and basically lives in general minus the whole wealth aspect. When i-bankers hear about firings they immediately get nervous and pray it’s not them. As the firings occur they will act like they knew all along it wasn’t them, but still nervously ask around about who was canned. Then they will talk about that person’s faults and discuss their various shortcomings.
I personally think i-bankers are soft in their gossiping. A real man will read Page Six as well so they have bar conversation as well. Who the hell cares if Jimmy Cayne was out playing Bridge while Bear was going down? What I really want to know is which celebrity got a DUI and if I’m going to see Eli Manning at Nobu this weekend.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
12. Reply-all
12. Reply-all
Right next to the “reply” button on every email you receive is a similar looking button, “reply-all.” “Reply-all” is very useful when you are emailing back and forth with a group of four friends or planning a meeting among several coworkers. Despite its useful intent, “reply-all” is a dangerous button for a couple reasons.
The “WHOOPS!”
Working in a big investment bank, there are many mass emails sent to everyone in the first worldwide or other large groups of employees. You might want to respond to the sender to make fun of him if he is a friend of yours. Or you might be responding because you have an answer for the person’s question. Both can fit in the “whoops” category if you only meant to reply to the original sender, not the whole list.
In one case, if the sender is a friend of yours you might respond something like “Bite me!” to try and mess with your buddy. Normally this would be pretty slick, but you accidentally went for the the “reply-all” button. Yeaaaa, not a smart move! You just let the CEO and 20,000 other people know that you are too stupid to check twice before you send an email and that you have the maturity of a 12-year old boy. You might want to pack your bags now because odds are you have overstayed your welcome at this job.
The other “whoops” case can occur when a coworker emails out to say he will be resigning and going on to another opportunity and you make the mistake of replying to everyone saying, “I think you picked a good time to leave. This job can break a man’s will and the firm is heading to shit.” Probablyyyyyy not a smart idea. Glad you think that Ted, maybe you would be better served working elsewhere then? Buh-bye safe job. I bet your wife won’t mind that six-figure salary leaving the household because you decided to speak your mind. Carpe diem!
The “Funny Guy”
Usually someone tries to be funny and “reply-all” when the email list is only analysts or some other group that does not include higher ups. Unless he or she really has some big cahones. Come Friday, analysts are actually in a good mood because it’s almost drinking time, so they get back into the college mindset and are ready to attack anyone who sends a silly mass email. An example of this situation is that there is an email out to all of the analysts asking if anyone wants free Miley Cyrus concert tickets. Someone decides that instead of just saying yes to the sender, to reply to all recipients saying “OMG YES!!!! Hannah Montana!!!” (I had to use google to know the Miley Cyrus-Hannanh Montana connection....) This is basically a layup for the class clown to go to work, it’s just a question of which depressed analyst takes the bait and what route he goes for. The quick reply is to say “Thanks Roger Clemens, how about you go for someone your own age?” But that would just be classeless…The more normal response would be to send a reply-all photo from Miley Cyrus’ new half-nude poses or a simple “LOL LYLAS No one cares! I heard Backstreet’s back too.”
The makers of Microsoft Outlook should move the “reply-all” button far from the “reply” button so people stop making this mistake. If they were not so close people could use it when they mean to, but wouldn’t make the mistake of wasting everyone else’s time. While it’s nice to be able to laugh every once in a while when someone slips up and sends “Bite me” to the whole firm, most of the time I’d rather people just not embarrass themselves and fill my inbox with useless babble. Your move Microsoft.
Right next to the “reply” button on every email you receive is a similar looking button, “reply-all.” “Reply-all” is very useful when you are emailing back and forth with a group of four friends or planning a meeting among several coworkers. Despite its useful intent, “reply-all” is a dangerous button for a couple reasons.
The “WHOOPS!”
Working in a big investment bank, there are many mass emails sent to everyone in the first worldwide or other large groups of employees. You might want to respond to the sender to make fun of him if he is a friend of yours. Or you might be responding because you have an answer for the person’s question. Both can fit in the “whoops” category if you only meant to reply to the original sender, not the whole list.
In one case, if the sender is a friend of yours you might respond something like “Bite me!” to try and mess with your buddy. Normally this would be pretty slick, but you accidentally went for the the “reply-all” button. Yeaaaa, not a smart move! You just let the CEO and 20,000 other people know that you are too stupid to check twice before you send an email and that you have the maturity of a 12-year old boy. You might want to pack your bags now because odds are you have overstayed your welcome at this job.
The other “whoops” case can occur when a coworker emails out to say he will be resigning and going on to another opportunity and you make the mistake of replying to everyone saying, “I think you picked a good time to leave. This job can break a man’s will and the firm is heading to shit.” Probablyyyyyy not a smart idea. Glad you think that Ted, maybe you would be better served working elsewhere then? Buh-bye safe job. I bet your wife won’t mind that six-figure salary leaving the household because you decided to speak your mind. Carpe diem!
The “Funny Guy”
Usually someone tries to be funny and “reply-all” when the email list is only analysts or some other group that does not include higher ups. Unless he or she really has some big cahones. Come Friday, analysts are actually in a good mood because it’s almost drinking time, so they get back into the college mindset and are ready to attack anyone who sends a silly mass email. An example of this situation is that there is an email out to all of the analysts asking if anyone wants free Miley Cyrus concert tickets. Someone decides that instead of just saying yes to the sender, to reply to all recipients saying “OMG YES!!!! Hannah Montana!!!” (I had to use google to know the Miley Cyrus-Hannanh Montana connection....) This is basically a layup for the class clown to go to work, it’s just a question of which depressed analyst takes the bait and what route he goes for. The quick reply is to say “Thanks Roger Clemens, how about you go for someone your own age?” But that would just be classeless…The more normal response would be to send a reply-all photo from Miley Cyrus’ new half-nude poses or a simple “LOL LYLAS No one cares! I heard Backstreet’s back too.”
The makers of Microsoft Outlook should move the “reply-all” button far from the “reply” button so people stop making this mistake. If they were not so close people could use it when they mean to, but wouldn’t make the mistake of wasting everyone else’s time. While it’s nice to be able to laugh every once in a while when someone slips up and sends “Bite me” to the whole firm, most of the time I’d rather people just not embarrass themselves and fill my inbox with useless babble. Your move Microsoft.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
11. Free Stuff
11. Free Stuff
“Free bagels and muffins leftover from the meeting are on my desk if anyone wants.” This begins the running of the investment bankers. As soon as an assistant sends out an email indicating there is free food, everyone stops what they’re doing and runs like there’s no tomorrow. Yes, we may make at least six-figures, but nothing gets our motors going like free stuff. To get my own bagel would mean I would have to take ten minutes out of my busy day and spend $2 of my own hard-earned money. Now that’s just a ridiculous idea. Insteadddd, I could walk two seconds from my desk when this free food appears every few weeks and not have to move my fat ass to the elevator and pay for food. Amazing, I know.
Need to get analysts and associates to go to an optional meeting about a data provider? I know just the ticket to get them there, free pizza or a free giveaway. We once had one outside vendor even offer up free food AND the chance to win a free ipod. Big turnout that day!
During analyst training they give away free stuff like rubix cubes, ping pong balls and office basketball sets. One group of presenters decided that instead of putting items on each person’s desk, it would be high comedy to put all the stuff at the front of the room and see what a group of 23 year olds will do for free shit that they don’t need and will probably never use. Ok, ready? GO! Mayhem ensued and I witnessed people struggling for air to get that basketball set (maybe because I had one of them in chokehold? It was my basketball set, ass).
I love free giveaways and always attend the free lunches even though I don’t really want free pizza, just because I want to save money. A penny saved is a penny earned. And New York City is an expensive city! Even today I got a free “Speed Racer” keychain being handed out on the street. Obviously I don’t need it and have never been a “Speed Racer” fan but I just couldn’t say no when the opportunity to get something with paying presented itself. And they say there’s no free lunch? Har har har!
“Free bagels and muffins leftover from the meeting are on my desk if anyone wants.” This begins the running of the investment bankers. As soon as an assistant sends out an email indicating there is free food, everyone stops what they’re doing and runs like there’s no tomorrow. Yes, we may make at least six-figures, but nothing gets our motors going like free stuff. To get my own bagel would mean I would have to take ten minutes out of my busy day and spend $2 of my own hard-earned money. Now that’s just a ridiculous idea. Insteadddd, I could walk two seconds from my desk when this free food appears every few weeks and not have to move my fat ass to the elevator and pay for food. Amazing, I know.
Need to get analysts and associates to go to an optional meeting about a data provider? I know just the ticket to get them there, free pizza or a free giveaway. We once had one outside vendor even offer up free food AND the chance to win a free ipod. Big turnout that day!
During analyst training they give away free stuff like rubix cubes, ping pong balls and office basketball sets. One group of presenters decided that instead of putting items on each person’s desk, it would be high comedy to put all the stuff at the front of the room and see what a group of 23 year olds will do for free shit that they don’t need and will probably never use. Ok, ready? GO! Mayhem ensued and I witnessed people struggling for air to get that basketball set (maybe because I had one of them in chokehold? It was my basketball set, ass).
I love free giveaways and always attend the free lunches even though I don’t really want free pizza, just because I want to save money. A penny saved is a penny earned. And New York City is an expensive city! Even today I got a free “Speed Racer” keychain being handed out on the street. Obviously I don’t need it and have never been a “Speed Racer” fan but I just couldn’t say no when the opportunity to get something with paying presented itself. And they say there’s no free lunch? Har har har!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
