20. Team Building
When I was applying for investment banking jobs one of the main characteristics banks were looking for was the ability to work well in a team. Sure, they also wanted smart, independent and hard working individuals, but they really emphasized teamwork. I was not on a team sport in college which I felt would hurt my chances, but alas I prevailed and made it into the world of investment banking.
Once I started working as an analyst I realized that when they meant teamwork, what they really meant was the 12th man on the Cavs whose role is basically to be pushed around by Lebron James. Sure, Lebron will tell you the deaf 12th man is an important part of the team, but they would be perfectly fine without him, it’d just be one less guy to pound on in practice. An investment banking analyst is like that 12th man in that while I am told that I’m a vital member of the team, I know that I am there to pound out the boring, monotonous work and just do as I am told. Sure, like the 12th man, I may be needed at some point to do some actual hard work, but for the most part I’m simply a paper pusher.
How does this relate to the topic team building you may be asking yourself (or you’re already closing the browser)? Well, investment banks want to make everyone feel like they are important even if they are not, so the banks hold events to socialize. Certain groups may go to a happy hour, go bowling together, go to a baseball game, or simply sit around in the office with some chips and beer. No matter the activity, the purpose is to get to a more personal level with coworkers and feel like we are one big, happy family. Banks try to hide the fact that they are working our bright, young minds into a comatose state, by occasionally appeasing us with some free beer and games. First they turn our minds into mush by abusing us, then when they know we have the brain of a 16 year old again, they throw free beer at us and we start jumping through hoops again like the smart puppies we are. How I thought of these analogies, I have no clue. It’s late, so lay off me.
P.S. Speaking of team building, check out Will Ferrell’s “Green Team” on funnyordie.com, hilarious! GREEN TEAM!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
19. Blackberries
19. Blackberries
Blackberries, AKA Crackberries, are both a favorite and least favorite of investment bankers. It all depends on whom you ask.
Ask a Managing Director or some other bigwig and he will tell you that Blackberries are a great device because they allow you to be connected at all times. Even when he is out of the office the managing director can still respond to important emails, stay connected to the Internet, and badger his analyst over work he wants done ASAP. The bigwigs will praise RIM for inventing this magnificent technology and thank JPMorgan CitiGold for implementing these devices in the workplace for every investment banker. Yippee!
Ask an analyst such as myself and you will get a different answer. The blackberry is simply a leash that means I’m always on call. You’re heading to Tanzania to go hiking for a week? Great, bring your Blackberry incase we need you to do work. Oh and don’t worry, your Blackberry will have service in the rainforest. Thanks Blackberry! Why would I want to get away from the office and not feel like I’m still connected? And the bonus is, that we are given one of the original models that are about 6’2”, 180 lbs. Comfortable to wear on one’s hip and very stylish. 10:00pm on a Saturday night, at the bar downing number five on the night when the Tasmanian devil starts vibrating in my back pocket. Could anything really be that important on a late Saturday night? It’s not like I’m a doctor and am needed for a rare surgery that only I know how to do. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing we could wait until the morning and no one will die.
While the work Blackberry may be the worst thing since the square wheel, I am not hating on the personal Blackberry. These bad boys are a great way to stay in touch with friends and loved ones on your personal email while at work. Procrastination here I come! They’re also a great way to look at sites that the company restricts at work…. Very niiiiiiice!
Blackberries, AKA Crackberries, are both a favorite and least favorite of investment bankers. It all depends on whom you ask.
Ask a Managing Director or some other bigwig and he will tell you that Blackberries are a great device because they allow you to be connected at all times. Even when he is out of the office the managing director can still respond to important emails, stay connected to the Internet, and badger his analyst over work he wants done ASAP. The bigwigs will praise RIM for inventing this magnificent technology and thank JPMorgan CitiGold for implementing these devices in the workplace for every investment banker. Yippee!
Ask an analyst such as myself and you will get a different answer. The blackberry is simply a leash that means I’m always on call. You’re heading to Tanzania to go hiking for a week? Great, bring your Blackberry incase we need you to do work. Oh and don’t worry, your Blackberry will have service in the rainforest. Thanks Blackberry! Why would I want to get away from the office and not feel like I’m still connected? And the bonus is, that we are given one of the original models that are about 6’2”, 180 lbs. Comfortable to wear on one’s hip and very stylish. 10:00pm on a Saturday night, at the bar downing number five on the night when the Tasmanian devil starts vibrating in my back pocket. Could anything really be that important on a late Saturday night? It’s not like I’m a doctor and am needed for a rare surgery that only I know how to do. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing we could wait until the morning and no one will die.
While the work Blackberry may be the worst thing since the square wheel, I am not hating on the personal Blackberry. These bad boys are a great way to stay in touch with friends and loved ones on your personal email while at work. Procrastination here I come! They’re also a great way to look at sites that the company restricts at work…. Very niiiiiiice!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
18. Headhunters
18. Headhunters
Every year the animals begin hunting their prey earlier. This year, as a New Years present, the headhunters (or “Executive Search firms”) begin the first week of 2008 calling first year analysts and trying to them from their horrible place in the world to the fairy land of Hedge Funds and Private Equity firms. Think of going from Atlantic City to Las Vegas. Actually, those are both fun. Think of going from maximum-security prison to minimum-security prison. Headhunters want to convince me that they are only here to help me and really care where I wind up. Truthfully, they get paid as long as the firm likes me, so they can care less if I am happy. What about me?!?
These vultures attack by air, sea, and land (or phone and email). They called wanting to setup meetings right away so that I can get ahead of the process. In reality, they want to get to me first so that incase I’m a top candidate (which I am) and am interested in these jobs (which I’m not), they will be able to bring me around to all the firms and get paid off of me. Yes, it’s a great opportunity for me to meet top firms and land a great job that pays well, but don’t pretend like you care about my well-being. The headhunters try to charm me with their young, blond headhunters who will try to convince me that they will do what it takes to help me. I feel like I’m living in a land of multiple pimps who all want to prostitute me out. I would look good in a skimpy outfit but that’s besides the point….
After a while it started being fun. See the headhunters send out mass emails to all of the analysts they have met with, but sometimes they want to act like it is personal and throw in my name and a “thought this might interest you Jimmy.” The funny thing is, they once sent me a job for a place I had worked at and told them I hated. Caught in your web of lies headhunters!
I met with a dozen headhunters, gave them the story they wanted to hear about how I like my job but think I would love the opportunity to work at a PE shop or hedge fund. I have been investing since I was in the womb and have beaten the markets 30 times, once with 10 lives remaining. They ate it up like chocolate cake (the moist cakey type with frosting) and poof, my inbox has been filled for months with job opportunities all over the country. I try to not pickup the phone, or return their emails or calls, but they are persistent little creatures. I guess I should be happy with all of the attention they gave me. It’s not every day that beautiful women in New York City call and email me begging to talk or meet me. NBD
Every year the animals begin hunting their prey earlier. This year, as a New Years present, the headhunters (or “Executive Search firms”) begin the first week of 2008 calling first year analysts and trying to them from their horrible place in the world to the fairy land of Hedge Funds and Private Equity firms. Think of going from Atlantic City to Las Vegas. Actually, those are both fun. Think of going from maximum-security prison to minimum-security prison. Headhunters want to convince me that they are only here to help me and really care where I wind up. Truthfully, they get paid as long as the firm likes me, so they can care less if I am happy. What about me?!?
These vultures attack by air, sea, and land (or phone and email). They called wanting to setup meetings right away so that I can get ahead of the process. In reality, they want to get to me first so that incase I’m a top candidate (which I am) and am interested in these jobs (which I’m not), they will be able to bring me around to all the firms and get paid off of me. Yes, it’s a great opportunity for me to meet top firms and land a great job that pays well, but don’t pretend like you care about my well-being. The headhunters try to charm me with their young, blond headhunters who will try to convince me that they will do what it takes to help me. I feel like I’m living in a land of multiple pimps who all want to prostitute me out. I would look good in a skimpy outfit but that’s besides the point….
After a while it started being fun. See the headhunters send out mass emails to all of the analysts they have met with, but sometimes they want to act like it is personal and throw in my name and a “thought this might interest you Jimmy.” The funny thing is, they once sent me a job for a place I had worked at and told them I hated. Caught in your web of lies headhunters!
I met with a dozen headhunters, gave them the story they wanted to hear about how I like my job but think I would love the opportunity to work at a PE shop or hedge fund. I have been investing since I was in the womb and have beaten the markets 30 times, once with 10 lives remaining. They ate it up like chocolate cake (the moist cakey type with frosting) and poof, my inbox has been filled for months with job opportunities all over the country. I try to not pickup the phone, or return their emails or calls, but they are persistent little creatures. I guess I should be happy with all of the attention they gave me. It’s not every day that beautiful women in New York City call and email me begging to talk or meet me. NBD
Thursday, May 15, 2008
17. Recruiting
17. Recruiting
I remember back in my college days, bread only cost a nickel and the beer flowed like water. There’s nothing investment bankers like more than reminiscing about college, back when we were happy and out drinking until 3am instead of doing financial models all night. Since we work seven days a week usually it is tough to make it back to college to relive our glory days. One perk of working in a big investment bank is that the banks need to recruit the next batch of eager, bright young minds to beat down into a tired, sorry state. In order to connect with the college students, investment banks send analysts and higher ups up to the schools to recruit and to interview students for internships and full-time jobs. And in a good market we would even hire some of these people! Instead, we just interview to show them we are still around and one day will hire again.
In the fall when they needed people to go up and talk to students about life as an investment banking analyst, I was the first one to email back and volunteer my services. Fiiiine, I’ll schlep all the way to my alma mater and talk to kids for two hours about a job I’d only been doing for a month. I’m sure I could provide a lot of insight. The real perk of recruiting is getting to go back to school and see old friends and enjoy the nightlife again. Yeah, I may have worn a suit, had students kissing my ass thinking I could get them jobs, and got beers before beautiful girls, but otherwise it was just like being back there as a student….
While in college I may have been a dork who worked my ass off to land a top investment banking job, now I am a hot shot making more money than the hunks in college, and can afford a date better than the local pizza shop. Oh, life in the fast lane has its perks…. In reality, the girls now look at me like I’m some 30 year old who is way past his prime and a sleezeball for hanging out in college frats. Oh well. Even though I can drink even less than I could a year ago, at least I’m not one of the college seniors still fighting for a job and going out into a more unstable workforce. I plan to wear my investment banking analyst job as a badge of pride as I recruit and will continue to try to woo more students to work with me (and do my work). You can take the kid out of college, but you can’t take college pride out of me.
I remember back in my college days, bread only cost a nickel and the beer flowed like water. There’s nothing investment bankers like more than reminiscing about college, back when we were happy and out drinking until 3am instead of doing financial models all night. Since we work seven days a week usually it is tough to make it back to college to relive our glory days. One perk of working in a big investment bank is that the banks need to recruit the next batch of eager, bright young minds to beat down into a tired, sorry state. In order to connect with the college students, investment banks send analysts and higher ups up to the schools to recruit and to interview students for internships and full-time jobs. And in a good market we would even hire some of these people! Instead, we just interview to show them we are still around and one day will hire again.
In the fall when they needed people to go up and talk to students about life as an investment banking analyst, I was the first one to email back and volunteer my services. Fiiiine, I’ll schlep all the way to my alma mater and talk to kids for two hours about a job I’d only been doing for a month. I’m sure I could provide a lot of insight. The real perk of recruiting is getting to go back to school and see old friends and enjoy the nightlife again. Yeah, I may have worn a suit, had students kissing my ass thinking I could get them jobs, and got beers before beautiful girls, but otherwise it was just like being back there as a student….
While in college I may have been a dork who worked my ass off to land a top investment banking job, now I am a hot shot making more money than the hunks in college, and can afford a date better than the local pizza shop. Oh, life in the fast lane has its perks…. In reality, the girls now look at me like I’m some 30 year old who is way past his prime and a sleezeball for hanging out in college frats. Oh well. Even though I can drink even less than I could a year ago, at least I’m not one of the college seniors still fighting for a job and going out into a more unstable workforce. I plan to wear my investment banking analyst job as a badge of pride as I recruit and will continue to try to woo more students to work with me (and do my work). You can take the kid out of college, but you can’t take college pride out of me.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
16. Thank You
16. Thank you
Boss: “Joe, I need you to get started on this model over the weekend and if you’re free Saturday night, complete this pitchbook so I can look at it Sunday morning then you can make corrections all day Sunday.”
Joe: “Will do. Thanks.”
Thanks? Yeah, I didn’t really want to have any free time this weekend after working my ass off during the week, so thanks! For some reason, analysts feel the need to close out everything they say to higher ups by saying thank you, or thanks. If I just tell my boss that I’ll do something or simply send a short email with no clear ending, it seems like I’m being rude. I’m just an analyst, I should be thankful for all the work I can get because now is my time to learn the business. It’s not my time to enjoy my life, meet new people in a new city, or sleep. That’s for later in life. After I retire.
There’s nothing worse than being told that I should just be thankful for having this experience. Lots of people would die to have this job and make the same kind of money. My “friend” told me this is like the movie Devil Wears Prada, in that the lead girl is told so many people would love to have her job and that it will open a million doors for her. All she has to do is sacrifice part of her 20s and risk losing her friends and loved ones. On the one hand I am very thankful for the job that pays me well, opens door and looks good on a resume, but I am not thankful for the boring, tedious, time-consuming work that seems to appear Friday at 5pm. “Thank you so much sir for putting me on a wild goose chase to find numbers in companies’ financials that only exist for the one company you used as an example. I could have been hanging out with my friend who is visiting for the first time in a year, but thanks for the experience!”
It’s hilarious because every time a fellow analyst is given a lot of boring, time consuming work to do he or she will say thank you on the phone or in an email, then immediately bitch to the rest of us about how pissed he or she is. This reaction is inevitable. It’s not that we are not hard working. Most of us went to top colleges, finished at the top of our class, and are very driven individuals. We have just had our steering wheel taken away from us and are now being driven into the ground by older people trying to save their own jobs. In a way I am thankful that it has made me realize how much I like driving myself and should consider starting my own business. As much as I love thanking some 30 year old who just graduated business school and majored in micro-managing 23 year olds, I’d much rather not get paid half of this b-school fool, and instead try my hand in the business world. Hooters restaurants for each type of food anyone? Who wouldn’t pick Chinese Hooters where you get the same crap Chinese as Peking Duck restaurant except there are scantily clad waitresses and sports on some HDTVs. Who wants to invest?
Boss: “Joe, I need you to get started on this model over the weekend and if you’re free Saturday night, complete this pitchbook so I can look at it Sunday morning then you can make corrections all day Sunday.”
Joe: “Will do. Thanks.”
Thanks? Yeah, I didn’t really want to have any free time this weekend after working my ass off during the week, so thanks! For some reason, analysts feel the need to close out everything they say to higher ups by saying thank you, or thanks. If I just tell my boss that I’ll do something or simply send a short email with no clear ending, it seems like I’m being rude. I’m just an analyst, I should be thankful for all the work I can get because now is my time to learn the business. It’s not my time to enjoy my life, meet new people in a new city, or sleep. That’s for later in life. After I retire.
There’s nothing worse than being told that I should just be thankful for having this experience. Lots of people would die to have this job and make the same kind of money. My “friend” told me this is like the movie Devil Wears Prada, in that the lead girl is told so many people would love to have her job and that it will open a million doors for her. All she has to do is sacrifice part of her 20s and risk losing her friends and loved ones. On the one hand I am very thankful for the job that pays me well, opens door and looks good on a resume, but I am not thankful for the boring, tedious, time-consuming work that seems to appear Friday at 5pm. “Thank you so much sir for putting me on a wild goose chase to find numbers in companies’ financials that only exist for the one company you used as an example. I could have been hanging out with my friend who is visiting for the first time in a year, but thanks for the experience!”
It’s hilarious because every time a fellow analyst is given a lot of boring, time consuming work to do he or she will say thank you on the phone or in an email, then immediately bitch to the rest of us about how pissed he or she is. This reaction is inevitable. It’s not that we are not hard working. Most of us went to top colleges, finished at the top of our class, and are very driven individuals. We have just had our steering wheel taken away from us and are now being driven into the ground by older people trying to save their own jobs. In a way I am thankful that it has made me realize how much I like driving myself and should consider starting my own business. As much as I love thanking some 30 year old who just graduated business school and majored in micro-managing 23 year olds, I’d much rather not get paid half of this b-school fool, and instead try my hand in the business world. Hooters restaurants for each type of food anyone? Who wouldn’t pick Chinese Hooters where you get the same crap Chinese as Peking Duck restaurant except there are scantily clad waitresses and sports on some HDTVs. Who wants to invest?
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