42. Mondays
You’re probably thinking this one is pretty generic and “doesn’t everyone hate Mondays?” Well, you may be right, I may be crazy, but no one hates them as much as an investment banking analyst.
The average twenty-three year old not far out of college works a 9-6 job and can enjoy his nights and weekends. The reason Average Joe hates Mondays so much? Because he just had an amazing Friday night – Sunday night of freedom doing things he loves, and now he is back in a cubicle staring at his Dell.
The reason Dbag I. Banker, IV hates his job? Because he just spent all weekend at work despite the fact that his girlfriend was in town visiting for the first time in 6 months, and now he is at work on a Monday knowing there is no real sleep in sight for at least another 4 days.
I had the luxury of watching Office Space the other night for the hundredth time, which is why this entry sprung to mind. Don’t you just wish you could be like Peter in Office Space when Lundberg tells him to “Um, yeaaaaa, I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday. And yeaaa, Sunday too”? (Watch from the 4:15 mark to like 6:00 in my opinion). Instead of obeying, just sleep in on Saturday and zone out, fish and enjoy spending time with Jennifer Aniston. Sounds like the perfect weekend to me. Peter basically ruined work ethic for people like me because he made me realize that I do so much useless crap that I just don’t enjoy. I may not fill out a TPS report, but there’s plenty of other mindless procedures. In Office Space, Peter is able to just say “F it” to his job and yet get a promotion through his brutal honesty. Maybe I should try that….
Oh, and for those of you who haven’t seen Office Space, what the hell are you doing with your life? One of the funniest movies of the past decade. Quit watching porn, and rent this from Netflix or Blockbuster, ASAP. It won’t make your life any better, but it will definitely make you laugh at your job and say “Oh, I’ve been there.”
Monday, June 23, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
41. Quitting
41. Quitting
The only thing better than being an investment banking analyst? Being an ex-investment banking analyst. It’s the day every analyst dreams of, when he can throw his blackberry against the wall and say, “Peace, I’m out.” This day may not come until two years after you start if you stick to the plan, or even three years if you were not good enough to land a hedge fund or private equity gig. For those more ambitious analysts, or ones who f*ckin’ hate the job, “F you, I quit” day may come much sooner.
The true baller leaves before the first year bonus is even received because of sheer hatred of the job or a better gig. These analysts are usually hated by the firms for not living up to their end of the bargain, but at the same time loved by the firms because they mean less little mooches wasting money on SeamlessWeb, taxis, black cars, and reaping a decent bonus and salary. Making some analysts so miserable that they quit, equals not having to layoff any analysts and being able to continue to say, “Despite our $80 billion loss this quarter, things will not get any worse… at least until we announce next quarter’s results.” The reasons for an analyst to quit pre-bonus are far shorter than post-bonus.
To leave pre-bonus you might hate the job so much you’re willing to leave without a job lined up and will scrub toilets for $10 an hour just to get out of the hell hole. Another reason might be that you found a job at a hedge fund or PE shop, and they want you ASAP for a sizeable signing bonus. Or maybe you miss the days of smashing beer cans against your head and want to return to college for some type of graduate study. The possibilities are endless for leaving pre-bonus, but the analyst usually has a nice gig lined up or truly hates life in investment banking, take your pick.
Far more analysts up to quit the day after bonus day in July or August. This is a terrific “F you” to the firm since you are taking the money and running. These analysts have far more reasons for leaving. After getting a nice sum of money, some opt to do some good in the world by traveling to a third-world country to volunteer or joining a microfinance organization. Others take the bonus money, then take a nice signing bonus from a hedge fund or PE firm and start making even more money. These are the all-star analysts who are money hungry and willing to sell one of their kidneys to make a nickel. These analysts may hate investment banking just as much as the pre-bonus quitters, but they are either smart enough or fortunate enough to be able to wait until after the bonus. Or they just have smaller cahones and are willing to take the pounding in the behind.
For you analysts out there considering taking the plunge and quitting before your two years are up, I applaud you for your year of service and wish you the best in your more enjoyable future ventures. For you analysts who hate the analyst job as much as the next guy but are sticking it out, I urge you to reconsider and search for your passion (and for a job that offers more free time). And finally, for you analysts who enjoy the role and can’t wait for your third year and future roles, what are you smoking and where can I get some of that sh*t?
The only thing better than being an investment banking analyst? Being an ex-investment banking analyst. It’s the day every analyst dreams of, when he can throw his blackberry against the wall and say, “Peace, I’m out.” This day may not come until two years after you start if you stick to the plan, or even three years if you were not good enough to land a hedge fund or private equity gig. For those more ambitious analysts, or ones who f*ckin’ hate the job, “F you, I quit” day may come much sooner.
The true baller leaves before the first year bonus is even received because of sheer hatred of the job or a better gig. These analysts are usually hated by the firms for not living up to their end of the bargain, but at the same time loved by the firms because they mean less little mooches wasting money on SeamlessWeb, taxis, black cars, and reaping a decent bonus and salary. Making some analysts so miserable that they quit, equals not having to layoff any analysts and being able to continue to say, “Despite our $80 billion loss this quarter, things will not get any worse… at least until we announce next quarter’s results.” The reasons for an analyst to quit pre-bonus are far shorter than post-bonus.
To leave pre-bonus you might hate the job so much you’re willing to leave without a job lined up and will scrub toilets for $10 an hour just to get out of the hell hole. Another reason might be that you found a job at a hedge fund or PE shop, and they want you ASAP for a sizeable signing bonus. Or maybe you miss the days of smashing beer cans against your head and want to return to college for some type of graduate study. The possibilities are endless for leaving pre-bonus, but the analyst usually has a nice gig lined up or truly hates life in investment banking, take your pick.
Far more analysts up to quit the day after bonus day in July or August. This is a terrific “F you” to the firm since you are taking the money and running. These analysts have far more reasons for leaving. After getting a nice sum of money, some opt to do some good in the world by traveling to a third-world country to volunteer or joining a microfinance organization. Others take the bonus money, then take a nice signing bonus from a hedge fund or PE firm and start making even more money. These are the all-star analysts who are money hungry and willing to sell one of their kidneys to make a nickel. These analysts may hate investment banking just as much as the pre-bonus quitters, but they are either smart enough or fortunate enough to be able to wait until after the bonus. Or they just have smaller cahones and are willing to take the pounding in the behind.
For you analysts out there considering taking the plunge and quitting before your two years are up, I applaud you for your year of service and wish you the best in your more enjoyable future ventures. For you analysts who hate the analyst job as much as the next guy but are sticking it out, I urge you to reconsider and search for your passion (and for a job that offers more free time). And finally, for you analysts who enjoy the role and can’t wait for your third year and future roles, what are you smoking and where can I get some of that sh*t?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
40. Models and Bottles
40. Models and Bottles
When my brother asked what I do as an investment banking analyst, my answer to him was simple: “Models and bottles, baby.” He laughed, but soon stopped, as he realized I was not kidding. We do financial models, not fashion models unfortunately, during the day, and drink bottles at clubs at night. Following the common Ivy League mantra of “Work hard, play hard,” investment bankers like to burn the candle on both ends. Need proof? YouTube videos never lie:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=v0TGpe2KMUs&feature=related
Doesn’t sound like too rough of a life, does it? Working hard, but being able to afford convertibles and bottles and hundred dollar drinks at the top clubs in NYC, like the guy in the video. And he’s only an i-banking analyst! What more can one person accomplish upon becoming an associate, and even higher up? Own a club?
While this may sounds like a great life, the truth is that it’s all a lie. Well, at least mostly a lie. There’ absolutely no chance at fashion models, since no one that good looking would work at an investment banker. Yes, I do financial models during the day, but that is only if I’m on an interesting deal. For the most part I do monotonous work in Excel and PowerPoint. As for the bottles part, it’s more like bottles of 3-buck Chuck for me and Red Bull for others. While it is true that some 2nd and 3rd year may get bottles at clubs, there is no way in hell they can afford to do that at the trendy clubs every Thursday-Saturday and buy bottles. And, while the video shows the Analyst in a convertible, I’d say the odds of an analyst being able to afford a nice car to drive and park it in NYC are about as slim as my odds of taking Kimbo Slice in a street fight.
In conclusion, while it makes for a more interesting answer than the real investment banking job description, “models and bottles” is a bit of a stretch. While I love to make it rain like Pacman Jones, it’s just not possible every night. Once a week, maybe.
When my brother asked what I do as an investment banking analyst, my answer to him was simple: “Models and bottles, baby.” He laughed, but soon stopped, as he realized I was not kidding. We do financial models, not fashion models unfortunately, during the day, and drink bottles at clubs at night. Following the common Ivy League mantra of “Work hard, play hard,” investment bankers like to burn the candle on both ends. Need proof? YouTube videos never lie:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=v0TGpe2KMUs&feature=related
Doesn’t sound like too rough of a life, does it? Working hard, but being able to afford convertibles and bottles and hundred dollar drinks at the top clubs in NYC, like the guy in the video. And he’s only an i-banking analyst! What more can one person accomplish upon becoming an associate, and even higher up? Own a club?
While this may sounds like a great life, the truth is that it’s all a lie. Well, at least mostly a lie. There’ absolutely no chance at fashion models, since no one that good looking would work at an investment banker. Yes, I do financial models during the day, but that is only if I’m on an interesting deal. For the most part I do monotonous work in Excel and PowerPoint. As for the bottles part, it’s more like bottles of 3-buck Chuck for me and Red Bull for others. While it is true that some 2nd and 3rd year may get bottles at clubs, there is no way in hell they can afford to do that at the trendy clubs every Thursday-Saturday and buy bottles. And, while the video shows the Analyst in a convertible, I’d say the odds of an analyst being able to afford a nice car to drive and park it in NYC are about as slim as my odds of taking Kimbo Slice in a street fight.
In conclusion, while it makes for a more interesting answer than the real investment banking job description, “models and bottles” is a bit of a stretch. While I love to make it rain like Pacman Jones, it’s just not possible every night. Once a week, maybe.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
39. Comps
39. Comps
Comparable companies analysis is so popular in investment banking that, like Madonna, it simply goes by one name, “comps.” Investment bankers love to look at comps to see how companies in are doing against their competitors. Most presentations will include a page showing the stock price, market cap, and some other financial metrics for the client’s comp set. Some higher ups will opt to include to a simple Excel table with the companies and metrics, but other bosses want to show their creativity with a pretty visual showing where the comps rank against each other in various metrics.
When a higher up want to see the comps for a company he will ask an analyst to “spread the comps.” Usually I opt to reply by telling my boss to spread his butt cheeks and stick the comps up there. I’m guessing he would enjoy that experience if the comp set were big enough... Setting up a comps page in a presentation can be an easy exercise if the group has a file that is updated quarterly for the financials of a bunch of companies in the industry. This will make things easier because it means all I have to do is format a page, which is what an analyst does best. I like to think of myself as a glorified assistant who is the master of the Microsoft suite of products.
During a meeting, a comps page is usually not a huge page of interest, since it is just a whole bunch of numbers and will not convince a company to do a deal or raise capital. However, this comps page can be the most scrutinized by the associate and MD because they want each number to be correct and make sure every company they are interested in is shown. When the boss decides to start adding companies, new metrics, and wants the financials updated for the most recent quarter despite the group file not having been updated yet, this easy comps task but an arduous affair. Digging through 10-Ks, 10-Qs, earnings releases and financial supplements to find company data is about as fun as a trip to the dentist’s office (for the non-masochists out there). After finding all this data, putting it into Excel, and formatting the page as the higher up wants it, the fun still does not end! You may be asking “How much more fun can one analyst have in the job?!?!” Well, my friend, in comes the high-rolling, life-loving, jacka$$ associate who wants to check every single number and make sure the analyst is there to walk him through it all. So, not only did I get to find all the numbers once and note where I got them, but also I have the pleasure of teaching my dimwitted, feeble-minded associate how to read a note in Excel and open PDF files. Hoorayyyyy banking!
Comparable companies analysis is so popular in investment banking that, like Madonna, it simply goes by one name, “comps.” Investment bankers love to look at comps to see how companies in are doing against their competitors. Most presentations will include a page showing the stock price, market cap, and some other financial metrics for the client’s comp set. Some higher ups will opt to include to a simple Excel table with the companies and metrics, but other bosses want to show their creativity with a pretty visual showing where the comps rank against each other in various metrics.
When a higher up want to see the comps for a company he will ask an analyst to “spread the comps.” Usually I opt to reply by telling my boss to spread his butt cheeks and stick the comps up there. I’m guessing he would enjoy that experience if the comp set were big enough... Setting up a comps page in a presentation can be an easy exercise if the group has a file that is updated quarterly for the financials of a bunch of companies in the industry. This will make things easier because it means all I have to do is format a page, which is what an analyst does best. I like to think of myself as a glorified assistant who is the master of the Microsoft suite of products.
During a meeting, a comps page is usually not a huge page of interest, since it is just a whole bunch of numbers and will not convince a company to do a deal or raise capital. However, this comps page can be the most scrutinized by the associate and MD because they want each number to be correct and make sure every company they are interested in is shown. When the boss decides to start adding companies, new metrics, and wants the financials updated for the most recent quarter despite the group file not having been updated yet, this easy comps task but an arduous affair. Digging through 10-Ks, 10-Qs, earnings releases and financial supplements to find company data is about as fun as a trip to the dentist’s office (for the non-masochists out there). After finding all this data, putting it into Excel, and formatting the page as the higher up wants it, the fun still does not end! You may be asking “How much more fun can one analyst have in the job?!?!” Well, my friend, in comes the high-rolling, life-loving, jacka$$ associate who wants to check every single number and make sure the analyst is there to walk him through it all. So, not only did I get to find all the numbers once and note where I got them, but also I have the pleasure of teaching my dimwitted, feeble-minded associate how to read a note in Excel and open PDF files. Hoorayyyyy banking!
Monday, June 16, 2008
38. Training
38. Training
After a year’s worth of service to the investment banking gods, it comes time to teach a new set of fresh minds what it will take to survive the gauntlet I call work. HR and group heads assume that since we completed training only a year ago we know what would be best to teach the new first year analysts. So, they ask/tell us that we will be leading training and that it will “be a great experience” to share our vast ocean of knowledge. Translation: You know how to use Excel, PowerPoint, and Word, so teach the new set of monkeys what they need to know about these programs. Oh my, what an honor, yes I would love the chance to begin sucking the life out of these new analysts.
The real reason the banks are asking analysts to help out with training so much? Another chance to cut costs, of course. Instead of paying companies that specialize in training analysts and have years of experience in the field, I have a better idea! Let’s take a group of twenty-somethings who we are already paying to be analysts, and just have them teach the new analysts to do exactly what they do. No matter if these analysts suck at what they do and will be teaching incorrect methods and shortcuts, as long as we can spend no additional money. Brilliant! Little do they know that analysts don’t want to teach the boring methods and techniques the trainers use, and instead would rather crack jokes that are finance-related. Obviously the new analysts need to hear that “Chuck Norris doesn't buy gold to hedge against inflation. Gold buys Chuck Norris to hedge against inflation.” Also, “Chuck Norris doesn't target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks it until it begs for mercy.” If I had been taught these lessons a year ago, top bucket would have been a walk in the park.
At least the investment banks give analysts an incentive to put maximum effort into the training program. Oh wait….really?....they don’t give analysts any less work or some time of added bonus for volunteering to help?....Wow, that’s just wrong. I’d love to stay and tell you more about FactSet, but I just remembered I’m not paid to be a trainer. It’ll really suck when an MD asks you to do that comp set and you have no clue what that means. I guess the bank should’ve sucked it up and paid some real trainers. Investment banks used to argue over who provided the best training on the street. Now they compete to see who can get the most out of their analysts with the least costs. Social events during training? Hip clubs used to be in, but this year it is all about ice cream socials and scavenger hunts. So much more fun and “New York.” Excuse me while I go teach some new paper pushers how to kiss ass effectively.
After a year’s worth of service to the investment banking gods, it comes time to teach a new set of fresh minds what it will take to survive the gauntlet I call work. HR and group heads assume that since we completed training only a year ago we know what would be best to teach the new first year analysts. So, they ask/tell us that we will be leading training and that it will “be a great experience” to share our vast ocean of knowledge. Translation: You know how to use Excel, PowerPoint, and Word, so teach the new set of monkeys what they need to know about these programs. Oh my, what an honor, yes I would love the chance to begin sucking the life out of these new analysts.
The real reason the banks are asking analysts to help out with training so much? Another chance to cut costs, of course. Instead of paying companies that specialize in training analysts and have years of experience in the field, I have a better idea! Let’s take a group of twenty-somethings who we are already paying to be analysts, and just have them teach the new analysts to do exactly what they do. No matter if these analysts suck at what they do and will be teaching incorrect methods and shortcuts, as long as we can spend no additional money. Brilliant! Little do they know that analysts don’t want to teach the boring methods and techniques the trainers use, and instead would rather crack jokes that are finance-related. Obviously the new analysts need to hear that “Chuck Norris doesn't buy gold to hedge against inflation. Gold buys Chuck Norris to hedge against inflation.” Also, “Chuck Norris doesn't target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks it until it begs for mercy.” If I had been taught these lessons a year ago, top bucket would have been a walk in the park.
At least the investment banks give analysts an incentive to put maximum effort into the training program. Oh wait….really?....they don’t give analysts any less work or some time of added bonus for volunteering to help?....Wow, that’s just wrong. I’d love to stay and tell you more about FactSet, but I just remembered I’m not paid to be a trainer. It’ll really suck when an MD asks you to do that comp set and you have no clue what that means. I guess the bank should’ve sucked it up and paid some real trainers. Investment banks used to argue over who provided the best training on the street. Now they compete to see who can get the most out of their analysts with the least costs. Social events during training? Hip clubs used to be in, but this year it is all about ice cream socials and scavenger hunts. So much more fun and “New York.” Excuse me while I go teach some new paper pushers how to kiss ass effectively.
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