Thursday, August 12, 2010

48. Open Bars

48. Open Bars

Since bankers are grinding 24/7 at work they’re always looking to take advantage of any free time they have at night. With that in mind, the idea of an open bar, let alone a FREE open bar, is Christmas come early for a banking analyst. An open bar lets analysts act like they are back in college again, which isn’t too far in the past. The only issue? That they are in fact well paid employees of a top global company and represent the company in all of their actions….yeaaaaaa F that. Definitely not the first, second or fifth thing going through an analyst’s mind.

Soooo naturally one or a few people are going to enjoy their freedom a bit too much and think they are back in college. Simply drinking too much to the point of getting sick is no big surprise, since banking hours have made the analyst’s tolerance suffer. What I love is when an analyst not only drinks to the point of getting sick that night, but shows up to work the next day looking like he/she was hit by a truck and proceeds to make sweet love to the toilet bowl all day. Embarrassing? Yes. Big deal in the overall pyramid of drunken mistakes? Not really.

The mistakes can be amplified as you move up the food chain at a bank. I have heard stories of a married VP who couldn’t his alcohol and decided it was a smart idea to get in a cab and ask the cab to find him a hooker. Fortunately this VP had a trusty analyst hop in the car with him and remind him in not so gentle words that he was married with children and should probably go home. The VP agreed and said that he would hop in another cab to head home, thanking the analyst for reminding him. It would be OK if the story ended there. But instead, the VP decided to hop out of the cab and start sprinting away from the analyst. Out of shape VP < style="mso-spacerun: yes"> 10 points for the analyst, -50 points for the VP in the “Good Guy of the Year” award.

Want to know what can amplify any open bar mistakes? Open bar during the summer when young 21 year old interns are in tow. Oh yes, fresh meat. These college kids are ready to party to stay in shape for their senior years, and the analysts on up want to prove that they can still hang in terms of drinking. Disaster ensues. The mistakes can be “innocent” like a VP dancing around like a fool on bar tops, unaware of the fact that analysts have camera phones nowadays. Innocence can go to the wayside when the older folks decide that the interns are grownups, and should be treated as such, so the bankers decide to grope the analysts while dancing. Oh yes, this happens. Groping can lead to….yeah you get the drill. Open Bar + Summer + repressed i-bankers + young, eager interns = recipe for disaster

These are just a few examples of the various events I have been a witness to or heard stories about. You can add on to this drunken open bar bowling event stories, EDs stealing things from bars, fighting with random people in the street and ordering lobsters at 4:30 in the morning. The stories are endless. Feel free to post some of your best to amuse the rest of us. Enjoy saying goodbye to the interns if you haven’t already!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

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Please follow me on Twitter as I find a new outlet for more bitterness (and humor). Feel free to send me any advice or ideas you may have for future posts. And don't use the "we can't use twitter at work" excuse. That's soft. Find a work around or check when you get home. It's not like you have a girlfriend besides good ol' Palm-ela H-anderson. Now follow me fools!

47. Kids' Excuse

47. Kids' Excuse

(6pm Friday Night)

VP: I need you to run these scenarios through the model and update the deck as of today’s market close for the meeting on Tuesday.

Analyst: Do you mind if I do it tomorrow? I was hoping to go to a friend’s birthday dinner at 7.

VP: No I need you to do it tonight. There will be plenty of birthdays.

Analyst: Yup, ok. Are we going to go through the deck again tonight?

VP: No can do, need to get home to the kids. We can go through it this weekend. Heading home now, thanks.

Typical VP and Directors, they are more than happy to neglect their kids most of the time, but when they ask you to stay late when it is completely unnecessary, they are the first ones to break out the kids excuse. “Oh yeah, I need to get to little…….Timmy’s….I mean Danny’s clarinet recital.” Really sir? I thought you had a girl? And since when do they have recitals on Friday nights? The same guy who just told me my personal life means shit is all of a sudden this great family man who can’t miss a recital. And by the way, you make a million dollars a year, how about you buy the kid a real instrument, like the bass.

Trust me, I would love to be able to use my kids as an excuse to leave but unfortunately I’m not even allowed to go out on a Friday night to meet a girl who I might have a kid with one day. They should making a dating website just for investment banking analysts. It would be similar to JDate, catering to a certain group of people. It would harken back to our middle school days where a “relationship” was seeing a girl in school and going out on a weekend once a month, but otherwise only really talking over AOL Instant Messanger. That sounds like a great way to move a relationship forward, at least it always worked in 8th grade.

If you want to use your kids as an excuse for leaving me stranded on a Friday night, at least let it be known at other times that you do in fact have kids and a wife. It’s called being “personal” with your employees. I see you as a friggin drill sergeant who shouts orders at me and makes my life miserable. I may actually respect you and want to work harder for you if I think you are a good family man. Maybe replace your stupid deal toys on your shelves showing how much money you have helped bring in with some photos of your wife and kids and/or an ugly fire truck your kid drew, and I will begin to buy the story. Until that day, how about you let me enjoy my Friday night and just update your damn pitchbook that you don’t need for another 5 days at some point during the weekend. You’re not reviewing it on Friday night anyways, you’re busy at the recital!