3. Animal Ties

3. Animal Ties

I don’t know why, but for some reason it is not only acceptable, but normal, for investment bankers to wear ties with animals on it. I-bankers are conservative in all aspects of their dress, yet these ties are deemed appropriate. It baffles the mind.

Here’s a brilliant idea, we’re stuck in a bear market, so I’ll wear a tie with bears on it. That will look so professional and cool at the same time. And look, Ferragamo makes just that tie! I’ll probably be the only one to buy it too because my coworkers would never shop there…

Ok, I’ll admit it, I own a tie with bulls on it, but it was a gift from my cousin, so lay off me. I also rarely wear it because I see no reason to wear a suit and tie when I will be sitting at my desk all day and only seeing a client if my boss thinks the presentation sucks and wants someone to kick every time the client sees a mistake. But I digress. The point is, if you are going to wear a suit, it seems a bit silly to pair that with a tie with rubber duckys. Might as well throw on a pair of sandals and join an a capella group, d-bag

Sure dogs are a man’s best friend, but do you think it’s professional to wear your best friend around your neck when you meet a CEO to discuss $20 billion mergers? You don’t see me wearing a tie with photos of my best friend Steve, do you? Sure he’s not as cute as your little dog, but Steve would kick the living shit out of your foo-foo dog.

Investment bankers feel the need to try to be creative with their ties since it’s the only part of the wardrobe they really have a say in. Problem is, if a fellow banker likes your tie he will flip it over to see who makes it so you have to make sure it is one of the two acceptable brands, Hermes and Ferragamo. This limits your choices a bit, so you wind up going for the hippopotamus or seagull tie to try to be creative, instead of just picking a turtle or bear, since those are overdone. Needless to say, when everyone thinks this way, we all wind up looking like shmucks with stupid looking ties. I say we all take a stand and decide as a cult of investment bankers to stop wearing these silly ties and stick to stripes and solids that fit better with our conservative nature. Long live lameness!