26. Facebook
As an investment banking analyst it is often times very difficult to stay in touch with your friends. You may live within 10 blocks of your good friends but still not see them because of the hours and your lack of willingness to move when you have free time. Thank god for Facebook. Thanks to this great website, investment banking analyst can see their friends all the time! Hell, I can even poke my best friend to remind him I’m thinking of him. And if I’m really crazy, I can let everyone that I’m alive and post a message on someone’s wall to say hello, since just emailing or calling is just out of style these days.
Some investment banks allow Facebook to be used at work, while some want to restrict their analysts from any relationships with the outside world so they block the website. For the analysts who can use Facebook at work, this provides not only a great procrastination tool, but also a way to become friends with your coworkers. And by “friends” I mean friends on Facebook since every analyst has walked by his or her boss’s office and seen him on Facebook checking out his buddy’s new photos. The first time I saw my boss on Facebook I thought it was hilarious since I figured people in their mid-30s wouldn’t be joining a site that wasn’t started until they were way out of college. But then I came to realize that they too have been stuck in the office 100 hours a week so they need Facebook to stay in touch with their wives and kids…
The best Facebook experience was when I was working with one of my bosses on a deal for a client who was being a real pain. We were at our respective desks at around 10pm on a Friday night when a message from him pops up on my screen. A link to Facebook is in the message which makes me chuckle. Then I open the link to find a photo of our client who had been emailing us on a beach in a man-thong. A sight for sore eyes, but a great bonding experience with my boss. It’s not every day you get to see the true stalker within your boss.
I agree that my generation is more awkward in social situations (at least I am) due to the fact that we grew up chatting on AOL and living in a Facebook world. But, what we lack in one-on-one conversation skills, we make up for in our ability to never to navigate the Facebook interface in milliseconds and poke 20 people in 10 seconds. It may seem like a useless skill now, but in a world that is becoming more and more ruled by the internet and virtual communications, I say my generation is well prepared to rule the world. Go poke yourself!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
25. Interns
25. Interns
It’s summer time and you know what that means? Great weather, analyst bonuses, sunburns, and, best of all, interns. Ah yes, investment banking interns, the newest low man on the totem pole. No longer are the first year analysts the ones given the mind-numbing tasks like making company profiles or finding the names of the CEOs for the top 100 companies. Nope, no longer will the first year analyst be staying at work until 3am to wait for books to be printed. The interns are here! The interns are here!
These college juniors are willing to work their little butts off for 10 weeks to join the elite class of investment bankers. They all know that interviewing for jobs in the fall is an arduous, time-consuming task, so they would rather lockup a job after the summer. During these times when even first year analysts are being fired, interns surely know how difficult it is to score a sweet gig like being an investment banker. Need someone to hand deliver a presentation to Long Island? Intern boy is your man. Second year analysts are either physically gone or gone in spirit come summer time so there is plenty of work to be had by these interns. It might not be the most exciting work, but if they pretend to enjoy it and try to learn from the wise first year analysts they may find themselves a nice gift under their Christmas tree at the end of their internships.
I avoided this daunted task of being an investment banking intern for fear of hating the job so much and settling for some low paying job. This led to a brutal senior fall interviewing with 50 different firms and kissing a$$ every day for two months just to land a job. My advice is help the analysts with their work and try to soak up some knowledge while doing quite a bit of mindless work. The key is to not get taken advantage of, but at the same time don’t refuse to do something because you think it is beneath you. You may have gone to Wharton and know how to do a financial model like the back of your hand, but being an intern is like being in the minors or being a bench warmer. You have to earn your spot in the big leagues, so be patient and do what you can to position yourself for a top review and a job offer. Good luck young grasshoppers!
It’s summer time and you know what that means? Great weather, analyst bonuses, sunburns, and, best of all, interns. Ah yes, investment banking interns, the newest low man on the totem pole. No longer are the first year analysts the ones given the mind-numbing tasks like making company profiles or finding the names of the CEOs for the top 100 companies. Nope, no longer will the first year analyst be staying at work until 3am to wait for books to be printed. The interns are here! The interns are here!
These college juniors are willing to work their little butts off for 10 weeks to join the elite class of investment bankers. They all know that interviewing for jobs in the fall is an arduous, time-consuming task, so they would rather lockup a job after the summer. During these times when even first year analysts are being fired, interns surely know how difficult it is to score a sweet gig like being an investment banker. Need someone to hand deliver a presentation to Long Island? Intern boy is your man. Second year analysts are either physically gone or gone in spirit come summer time so there is plenty of work to be had by these interns. It might not be the most exciting work, but if they pretend to enjoy it and try to learn from the wise first year analysts they may find themselves a nice gift under their Christmas tree at the end of their internships.
I avoided this daunted task of being an investment banking intern for fear of hating the job so much and settling for some low paying job. This led to a brutal senior fall interviewing with 50 different firms and kissing a$$ every day for two months just to land a job. My advice is help the analysts with their work and try to soak up some knowledge while doing quite a bit of mindless work. The key is to not get taken advantage of, but at the same time don’t refuse to do something because you think it is beneath you. You may have gone to Wharton and know how to do a financial model like the back of your hand, but being an intern is like being in the minors or being a bench warmer. You have to earn your spot in the big leagues, so be patient and do what you can to position yourself for a top review and a job offer. Good luck young grasshoppers!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
24. Junk Food
24. Junk Food
Investment bankers are always at their computers just hammering away at work and trying to get things done quickly. Sometimes hunger comes calling and you can’t leave your desk at the moment. Or maybe you just had a meal an hour ago so just need some snack to hold you over. No matter what the exact reason is, investment bankers always like to keep some snacks around their desk (or go mooch off an analyst). Some people opt for some healthy snacks like wheat thins or apples, while others go for the M&Ms or greasy chips.
I know that when I sit in my chair for 14 hours a day doing nothing but playing on my computer, the last thing I want to do is put more crappy food in my stomach. I need food that can give me some energy, and not make me feel like an unhealthy shlub while I try to get my work done. Not everyone thinks like me though. Actually, most people think the opposite way. If you are going to sit around and be miserable doing work, you want some food that will make you happy like chocolate and greasy food.
“Comfort food” as they call it in the South may keep these bankers happy in the short term, but as their asses grow bigger than their chairs they probably won’t be as happy. Investment bankers will eat this tasty food then continue to sit in their chairs staring at the computer screen for another few hours, before going to bed and starting it all again the next day. What’s funny is that the people who eat this crap food are the ones who work out the least and need more caffeine because they are not putting the right food in their body as energy. Instead they’re eating the food that will just sit in their stomach, weighing their ass down in the chair to leave a larger imprint. Wise move my friend.
Here’s my suggestion. Hide all that junk food in your desk and put mousetraps around it. Then, next time your thick fingers reach for that crap you will get a little shot of pain and think twice about junk food. You will also think twice about setting up mousetraps in your apartment when you realize how painful they are. Animal cruelty is just wrong my friend. So have some Jamba Juice, try an apple, and meet your new friend the treadmill (or elliptical). Good luck to you investment banker.
Investment bankers are always at their computers just hammering away at work and trying to get things done quickly. Sometimes hunger comes calling and you can’t leave your desk at the moment. Or maybe you just had a meal an hour ago so just need some snack to hold you over. No matter what the exact reason is, investment bankers always like to keep some snacks around their desk (or go mooch off an analyst). Some people opt for some healthy snacks like wheat thins or apples, while others go for the M&Ms or greasy chips.
I know that when I sit in my chair for 14 hours a day doing nothing but playing on my computer, the last thing I want to do is put more crappy food in my stomach. I need food that can give me some energy, and not make me feel like an unhealthy shlub while I try to get my work done. Not everyone thinks like me though. Actually, most people think the opposite way. If you are going to sit around and be miserable doing work, you want some food that will make you happy like chocolate and greasy food.
“Comfort food” as they call it in the South may keep these bankers happy in the short term, but as their asses grow bigger than their chairs they probably won’t be as happy. Investment bankers will eat this tasty food then continue to sit in their chairs staring at the computer screen for another few hours, before going to bed and starting it all again the next day. What’s funny is that the people who eat this crap food are the ones who work out the least and need more caffeine because they are not putting the right food in their body as energy. Instead they’re eating the food that will just sit in their stomach, weighing their ass down in the chair to leave a larger imprint. Wise move my friend.
Here’s my suggestion. Hide all that junk food in your desk and put mousetraps around it. Then, next time your thick fingers reach for that crap you will get a little shot of pain and think twice about junk food. You will also think twice about setting up mousetraps in your apartment when you realize how painful they are. Animal cruelty is just wrong my friend. So have some Jamba Juice, try an apple, and meet your new friend the treadmill (or elliptical). Good luck to you investment banker.
Monday, May 26, 2008
23. Lying
23. Lying
“Hey Billy, can you help me out with this presentation? It will only be a couple of slides and should only take a few hours?”
“Yeah, sure. I’d be happy to help.”
Fast forward to Saturday night at 8pm:
“Billy, are you done with the 5th round of edits yet? How is page 45 looking? Did you do that model of that small Tanzanian company with no financials I asked you about? I think that would really make this book complete. We can just meet tomorrow at 8am if that works for you?”
“Yeah, sounds great. I think that’s a terrific idea. Who wouldn’t want to by a small Tanzanian company during volatile markets? See you then! Who needs a weekend?!?”
A little extreme but you get the idea. Higher ups love to throw the bait out there telling an analyst that it won’t be much work, and then once they have us hooked, they decide to torture us. I’d rather they tell me the truth and I be miserable to start out, than being lied to. But this lying is part of the game. Just like an analyst may tell the staffer he is busier than he is, higher ups lie to try to get analysts to accept their staffings and start off in a good mood. That’s when they stick the pole right up your….
The lying doesn’t just occur when it comes to avoiding or giving work, but it occurs in every day interactions around the office.
“Hey Jim, how’s your day going?”
“Great, how about you?”
“Great, thanks. Enjoy your weekend.”
“Always do.”
Translation:
“Hey a-hole, I hope you’re more miserable than I am.”
“That I am. I may take the window exit instead of the elevator. You?”
“Getting hit by a bus may be less painful than this. Hope I see you in the office this weekend since I’ll be here.”
“Yup, screw yourself. See you here d-bag.”
Sound a bit crazy and bitter? Well it is. Like everywhere else, people say “Hey, how are you?” in the hallways, and everyone responds with a “Good” or “Fine.” Ever heard anyone say “I’m tired and miserable, you?” It just doesn’t happen. Investment bankers expect each other to lie when asked how they are doing or how much work they have. It’s like some sort of hidden code. Why tell the truth? That’s so 1990s and un-banker.
I do not condone this lying but it just starts consuming you in this job. I can’t just break down and share my feelings with everyone. Need to keep my armor on and show them I can take the pain. Thank you sir may I have another! Just call me Maximus.
“Hey Billy, can you help me out with this presentation? It will only be a couple of slides and should only take a few hours?”
“Yeah, sure. I’d be happy to help.”
Fast forward to Saturday night at 8pm:
“Billy, are you done with the 5th round of edits yet? How is page 45 looking? Did you do that model of that small Tanzanian company with no financials I asked you about? I think that would really make this book complete. We can just meet tomorrow at 8am if that works for you?”
“Yeah, sounds great. I think that’s a terrific idea. Who wouldn’t want to by a small Tanzanian company during volatile markets? See you then! Who needs a weekend?!?”
A little extreme but you get the idea. Higher ups love to throw the bait out there telling an analyst that it won’t be much work, and then once they have us hooked, they decide to torture us. I’d rather they tell me the truth and I be miserable to start out, than being lied to. But this lying is part of the game. Just like an analyst may tell the staffer he is busier than he is, higher ups lie to try to get analysts to accept their staffings and start off in a good mood. That’s when they stick the pole right up your….
The lying doesn’t just occur when it comes to avoiding or giving work, but it occurs in every day interactions around the office.
“Hey Jim, how’s your day going?”
“Great, how about you?”
“Great, thanks. Enjoy your weekend.”
“Always do.”
Translation:
“Hey a-hole, I hope you’re more miserable than I am.”
“That I am. I may take the window exit instead of the elevator. You?”
“Getting hit by a bus may be less painful than this. Hope I see you in the office this weekend since I’ll be here.”
“Yup, screw yourself. See you here d-bag.”
Sound a bit crazy and bitter? Well it is. Like everywhere else, people say “Hey, how are you?” in the hallways, and everyone responds with a “Good” or “Fine.” Ever heard anyone say “I’m tired and miserable, you?” It just doesn’t happen. Investment bankers expect each other to lie when asked how they are doing or how much work they have. It’s like some sort of hidden code. Why tell the truth? That’s so 1990s and un-banker.
I do not condone this lying but it just starts consuming you in this job. I can’t just break down and share my feelings with everyone. Need to keep my armor on and show them I can take the pain. Thank you sir may I have another! Just call me Maximus.
Friday, May 23, 2008
22. Bonuses
22. Bonuses
As an investment banking analyst I am paid a salary that I can live on and not feel like I have to penny pinch. Many people my age don’t earn this much, but many people my age don’t work as many hours. Paralegals get paid time and a half for working after a certain time. Investment bankers on the other hand get a bonus that in a good year is over half of their compensation. The bonus is not guaranteed, but has grown significantly over the past 5 years, and many have come to expect the trend to continue. While this is probably a pipe dream given the bad condition of the markets, many analysts spend beyond their base salary in anticipation of the bonus. Not wise since even analysts can be laid off during the worst of times.
The bonus paid every summer to investment banking analysts isn’t just about the money. It’s about where you rank. All throughout our lives we have been ranked by GPA and usually knew where we stood up against our peers. The SATs gave another numerical way to separate high school students. This trend continues as an investment banking analyst in that analysts in a group are ranked against each other by the higher ups of the group, and these ranks will determine who gets the top “bucket” bonus and who gets the bottom tier. Well, the problem with this ranking system is that there is no way for our bosses to judge us based on some simple number, such as GPA. And, if we are in a large group, we may not even work with the same bosses, so when it comes time to rank us, they are basing the rankings on subjective views of different people. The bosses with more time or have formed a better relationship with an analyst, can mean the difference between top bucket and bottom bucket.
For analysts, bonuses are a huge deal because it means our bank accounts spike up from hovering above $0. Bonuses are the talk of the Street throughout the year and as spring turns into summer, the rumors start flying around. “I heard bonuses are being cut from 80k to 40k.” “Bill always leaves first, he better not get a higher bonus than me.” What started as a teamwork situation with all of the analysts wanting to help each other out, turns into a dog-eat-dog world where each analyst is just looking to show his/her own goods. The difference between $50,000 and $60,000 is huge for someone who doesn’t even have $10,000 in his bank account. The sad part is, no matter which size bonus I get, it will still be much more than I had. So why break my back to fight for a few more dollars, when I’d much rather work fewer hours and lead a happier, healthier life style than always be in the office after midnight. So enjoy your extra money bonus money Analyst X, while I sleep with your girlfriend who said you wouldn’t be back for another few hours…
As an investment banking analyst I am paid a salary that I can live on and not feel like I have to penny pinch. Many people my age don’t earn this much, but many people my age don’t work as many hours. Paralegals get paid time and a half for working after a certain time. Investment bankers on the other hand get a bonus that in a good year is over half of their compensation. The bonus is not guaranteed, but has grown significantly over the past 5 years, and many have come to expect the trend to continue. While this is probably a pipe dream given the bad condition of the markets, many analysts spend beyond their base salary in anticipation of the bonus. Not wise since even analysts can be laid off during the worst of times.
The bonus paid every summer to investment banking analysts isn’t just about the money. It’s about where you rank. All throughout our lives we have been ranked by GPA and usually knew where we stood up against our peers. The SATs gave another numerical way to separate high school students. This trend continues as an investment banking analyst in that analysts in a group are ranked against each other by the higher ups of the group, and these ranks will determine who gets the top “bucket” bonus and who gets the bottom tier. Well, the problem with this ranking system is that there is no way for our bosses to judge us based on some simple number, such as GPA. And, if we are in a large group, we may not even work with the same bosses, so when it comes time to rank us, they are basing the rankings on subjective views of different people. The bosses with more time or have formed a better relationship with an analyst, can mean the difference between top bucket and bottom bucket.
For analysts, bonuses are a huge deal because it means our bank accounts spike up from hovering above $0. Bonuses are the talk of the Street throughout the year and as spring turns into summer, the rumors start flying around. “I heard bonuses are being cut from 80k to 40k.” “Bill always leaves first, he better not get a higher bonus than me.” What started as a teamwork situation with all of the analysts wanting to help each other out, turns into a dog-eat-dog world where each analyst is just looking to show his/her own goods. The difference between $50,000 and $60,000 is huge for someone who doesn’t even have $10,000 in his bank account. The sad part is, no matter which size bonus I get, it will still be much more than I had. So why break my back to fight for a few more dollars, when I’d much rather work fewer hours and lead a happier, healthier life style than always be in the office after midnight. So enjoy your extra money bonus money Analyst X, while I sleep with your girlfriend who said you wouldn’t be back for another few hours…
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