10. Catchphrases, Part 2
“Capacity”
Definition: How much time you have to work on projects you are not already on
Associate, use it in a sentence: Wish I could help but I’m at like 120% of capacity and am just on too many live deals right now.
Analyst, use it in a sentence: Well I slept from 3-6am last night and will probably do the same tonight so I guess I have 3/24 of capacity left if you have more work that needs to be done.
Comment: When an associate says he is at 120% of capacity that usually means that he got in at 9:30am, was able to go to the gym and a quick meal at some point during the day for 2 hours, and left after 10pm. Damn, you are a trooper! For an analyst, capacity is really a sliding scale. Do you put yourself against your fellow analysts or do you put yourself against hours of sleep? If the rest of the analysts are not very busy and leaving before 9pm when you are staying until 2am then you can rightfully say that are at 100% capacity and can’t take on more work. Whereas if you are staying until 2am, but so is everybody else, then looks like you have some capacity! It’s all relative and I prefer to have relatively more capacity to enjoy my life and exercise.
To “Jam” or “Crank”
Definition: To work very hard
Associate, use it in a sentence: I know you’re jammed up on other stuff, but the higher ups asked us to do this analysis of company X. I’m cranking on this model for a live deal that we need to get out in the next hour, so if you could just do it that’d be great.
Analyst, use it in a sentence: Hey, can’t help right now, I’m jamming on this analysis that needs to be sent out to a bunch of head honchos in two hours. I can crank on that assignment when I’m done.
Comment: While many people associate “jamming” with basketball, and “cranking” with Soulja Boy, investment bankers live in their own world. Whereas capacity is more of a relative term, an analyst is “cranking” whenever he or she needs to finish something up in a short amount of time to avoid getting asked “Why the F are you not done yet? I told you an hour ago we needed this analysis! It’s not that friggin’ hard. Jeeez!” While it can be enjoyable to be yelled at and really gets the adrenaline pumping, I usually like to avoid it at all costs for fear of taking 10 years off of my life span. For those people who are faint of heart, this job may not be for you. In order to crank that Soulja Boy on weekends, I am usually jamming on work during the week since my associate is busy reading up on the business and trying to educate himself to be able to kiss ass better.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
9. Catchphrases, Part 1
Catchphrases, Part 1
“Gin you up” or “Gin’d up”
Definition: Give you craploads of work to do in a short amount of time.
Associate, use it in a sentence: “Tim, I know your busy and I don’t want to gin you up, BUT, do you think you can update these pages for me in the next hour? We really need them. Thanks.”
Analyst, use it in a sentence: “Wish I could help you, but I’m all gin’d up. Oh, I can’t say that or I won’t be seeing a bonus? Alright, yeah, definitely I’d love to help. Thanks!”
Comment: This phrase is great because it is used by associates and other higher ups usually to ask how much work an analyst has, and is almost always followed by a request to do more work. Why even ask me if I’m “ginned up”? Just give me the god damn work and stay the hell away for me. Thanks!
“Throw under the bus”
Definition: To rat someone else out or someone else a scapegoat.
Associate, use it in a sentence: “Hey analyst, sorry for throwing you under the bus in that meeting but you should have double-checked your numbers beforehand. Sure, that’s my job in all of this, but when it comes down to it, you were the one who did it.”
Analyst, use it in a sentence: “Hey fellow analyst, you forgot to update the numbers in the model. The VP asked why they weren’t updated, so I just told him I must have forgotten to print the latest version. Didn’t want to throw you under the bus for something we can update in a second.”
Comment: This phrase has become commonplace in the U.S. in the past year from its usage in the sports and political spheres. In the steroid controversy, you have players and trainers throwing each other under the bus to deflect blame from themselves. In politics, aides may be fired for making comments that reflect candidates’ views, but the candidates cannot be connected to the comments. In investment banking, we learn from day one that it is an unspoken rule to not throw another analyst under the bus. If an associate asks where a fellow analyst is, I will say “I think he went to get a drink” instead of telling the truth the analyst went to a Yankees game or to an interview. Associates know this rule as well, but in a tough market where associates are the ones being fired, these scumbags don’t seem to mind going against the grain. If it means saving his own ass, an associate will always choose to throw an analyst under the bus. The job of the associate in most cases is just to be an editor of analysts’ work, yet when something is messed up in the numbers, an associate will not hesitate to heap the blame on the measly analyst. Thanks d-bag!
“Gin you up” or “Gin’d up”
Definition: Give you craploads of work to do in a short amount of time.
Associate, use it in a sentence: “Tim, I know your busy and I don’t want to gin you up, BUT, do you think you can update these pages for me in the next hour? We really need them. Thanks.”
Analyst, use it in a sentence: “Wish I could help you, but I’m all gin’d up. Oh, I can’t say that or I won’t be seeing a bonus? Alright, yeah, definitely I’d love to help. Thanks!”
Comment: This phrase is great because it is used by associates and other higher ups usually to ask how much work an analyst has, and is almost always followed by a request to do more work. Why even ask me if I’m “ginned up”? Just give me the god damn work and stay the hell away for me. Thanks!
“Throw under the bus”
Definition: To rat someone else out or someone else a scapegoat.
Associate, use it in a sentence: “Hey analyst, sorry for throwing you under the bus in that meeting but you should have double-checked your numbers beforehand. Sure, that’s my job in all of this, but when it comes down to it, you were the one who did it.”
Analyst, use it in a sentence: “Hey fellow analyst, you forgot to update the numbers in the model. The VP asked why they weren’t updated, so I just told him I must have forgotten to print the latest version. Didn’t want to throw you under the bus for something we can update in a second.”
Comment: This phrase has become commonplace in the U.S. in the past year from its usage in the sports and political spheres. In the steroid controversy, you have players and trainers throwing each other under the bus to deflect blame from themselves. In politics, aides may be fired for making comments that reflect candidates’ views, but the candidates cannot be connected to the comments. In investment banking, we learn from day one that it is an unspoken rule to not throw another analyst under the bus. If an associate asks where a fellow analyst is, I will say “I think he went to get a drink” instead of telling the truth the analyst went to a Yankees game or to an interview. Associates know this rule as well, but in a tough market where associates are the ones being fired, these scumbags don’t seem to mind going against the grain. If it means saving his own ass, an associate will always choose to throw an analyst under the bus. The job of the associate in most cases is just to be an editor of analysts’ work, yet when something is messed up in the numbers, an associate will not hesitate to heap the blame on the measly analyst. Thanks d-bag!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
8. Diet Coke
8. Diet Coke
Investment bankers love caffeine, or at least force themselves to drink it to stay awake. While some rely on coffee or red bull, the casual caffeine fan grabs a cold, hard diet coke. I on the other hand, am a real man (or don’t work as hard?) and require no caffeine. I probably should, since instead of being that hyper analyst who is always hyper and smiling and wanting to help, I’m the bitter shit writing a blog to state his real feelings about the industry.
What I find so amusing about the diet coke fad is that the word diet makes people think it’s not such a bad thing. I admit, it’s not as bad for you as regular coke, but if you drink 3 a day you’re still dying your teeth a nice brown color and damaging something inside of you. If you really want to be healthy, try getting a few more hours of sleep, working out, and just chugging water so that you can’t fall asleep at work because you always have to pee. Works for me.
Plus, here’s the kicker about drinking diet coke, you look like a friggin’ pansy. Man up, drink a real coke. Chug a red bull. Do a line…wait, don’t do the last one. But seriously, drinking 3 diet cokes a day may show coworkers that you’re getting crushed and working long hours, but it also shows them that working long hours causes your testicles to shrink. Or even make a simple substitution for Coke Zero. Anything to lose the word “diet” in front of the name of what you drink. I know many of us don’t feel the need to prove our alpha male status, but if you work in a dog eat dog industry where people are losing their jobs left and right, do you really want to be the guy that is viewed as anything less than a hardcore investment banker. When the higher ups choose between you and someone else for who to fire, if he has red bulls lined around his desk and you have diet cokes with sliced limes sitting around, take a wild guess who is getting canned.
Investment bankers love caffeine, or at least force themselves to drink it to stay awake. While some rely on coffee or red bull, the casual caffeine fan grabs a cold, hard diet coke. I on the other hand, am a real man (or don’t work as hard?) and require no caffeine. I probably should, since instead of being that hyper analyst who is always hyper and smiling and wanting to help, I’m the bitter shit writing a blog to state his real feelings about the industry.
What I find so amusing about the diet coke fad is that the word diet makes people think it’s not such a bad thing. I admit, it’s not as bad for you as regular coke, but if you drink 3 a day you’re still dying your teeth a nice brown color and damaging something inside of you. If you really want to be healthy, try getting a few more hours of sleep, working out, and just chugging water so that you can’t fall asleep at work because you always have to pee. Works for me.
Plus, here’s the kicker about drinking diet coke, you look like a friggin’ pansy. Man up, drink a real coke. Chug a red bull. Do a line…wait, don’t do the last one. But seriously, drinking 3 diet cokes a day may show coworkers that you’re getting crushed and working long hours, but it also shows them that working long hours causes your testicles to shrink. Or even make a simple substitution for Coke Zero. Anything to lose the word “diet” in front of the name of what you drink. I know many of us don’t feel the need to prove our alpha male status, but if you work in a dog eat dog industry where people are losing their jobs left and right, do you really want to be the guy that is viewed as anything less than a hardcore investment banker. When the higher ups choose between you and someone else for who to fire, if he has red bulls lined around his desk and you have diet cokes with sliced limes sitting around, take a wild guess who is getting canned.
Friday, May 2, 2008
7. Late Nights
7. Late Nights
Nothing shows your worth as a banker like pulling an all-nighter. Investment banking may be the only job where you are made to feel guilty if you leave after less than 12 hours. When I interviewed for an analyst investment banking position I was told to expect 100 hour work weeks, which means late nights and weekends. My roommate has the record in my apartment for work over 120 hours in a week. You are probably thinking, “Are there even that many hours in a week?” This is 3 weeks worth of work for most people, but my roommate managed these hours in a measly seven hours. Piece of cake. At least that’s what he’s supposed to say among his coworkers, because complaining about hours in investment banking is a sign of weakness.
What was my roommate’s prize for working over 120 hours in a week? Working 100 hours the next week. Higher ups will tell you a number of things when the going gets tough:
“You should be grateful with the number of people who want your job and are losing theirs.”
While this is very true and I am very happy to have a job that pays me well, it still doesn’t make me any less sleep deprived. I bet those people would be bitching just as much if they were in my position, and would become just as bitter.
“I’ll remember this come bonus time.”
Sure you will. A number of people fill out evaluations and the odds of one remembering that I busted my balls a few weeks for him months ago and having this play a large role in my bonus is slim. What else do you have for me?
And one that is more from my mom than higher ups:
“You knew what you were getting into when you signed up.”
This is the point I don’t really have a comeback for because it is more than the truth. When I went into interviews I said I knew that 100-hour weeks were a part of the job and I was prepared for it. Hell, I’ve never been one to sleep much anyways. This is an example of people talking out of their ass. Sure I said this, as did hundreds of other kids in interviews, but I had no clue what I meant to work a 100 hour week. I’d never done it before, and 100 was just a number when I was going through interviews.
Anyways, investment bankers see no problem in keeping analysts there late and see it as a rite of passage. One of my bosses who has been in the business a while still works more hours than analysts during some weeks. He may actually be a machine, the results are still out on that one. I once got an email at 1am from one of my bosses with comments on a presentation I had worked on for him, asking me if I could make the changes and leave a copy on his chair. Obviously I want to say no, I’m going to work out and sleep, but I have to write the typical response, “Will do, thanks.” (Gun to head)
To make things worse for myself I feel the need to workout almost every day so I joined a 24/7 gym so that I could workout after work. So far the latest I’ve begun a workout is 2am, ending after 3am. The good thing about the workouts is that I can brag about them at work and gain great respect amongst my peers for having the work ethic to be in the office until 1, go to the gym, and then still be in at 1. King of the castle, king of the castle.
Nothing shows your worth as a banker like pulling an all-nighter. Investment banking may be the only job where you are made to feel guilty if you leave after less than 12 hours. When I interviewed for an analyst investment banking position I was told to expect 100 hour work weeks, which means late nights and weekends. My roommate has the record in my apartment for work over 120 hours in a week. You are probably thinking, “Are there even that many hours in a week?” This is 3 weeks worth of work for most people, but my roommate managed these hours in a measly seven hours. Piece of cake. At least that’s what he’s supposed to say among his coworkers, because complaining about hours in investment banking is a sign of weakness.
What was my roommate’s prize for working over 120 hours in a week? Working 100 hours the next week. Higher ups will tell you a number of things when the going gets tough:
“You should be grateful with the number of people who want your job and are losing theirs.”
While this is very true and I am very happy to have a job that pays me well, it still doesn’t make me any less sleep deprived. I bet those people would be bitching just as much if they were in my position, and would become just as bitter.
“I’ll remember this come bonus time.”
Sure you will. A number of people fill out evaluations and the odds of one remembering that I busted my balls a few weeks for him months ago and having this play a large role in my bonus is slim. What else do you have for me?
And one that is more from my mom than higher ups:
“You knew what you were getting into when you signed up.”
This is the point I don’t really have a comeback for because it is more than the truth. When I went into interviews I said I knew that 100-hour weeks were a part of the job and I was prepared for it. Hell, I’ve never been one to sleep much anyways. This is an example of people talking out of their ass. Sure I said this, as did hundreds of other kids in interviews, but I had no clue what I meant to work a 100 hour week. I’d never done it before, and 100 was just a number when I was going through interviews.
Anyways, investment bankers see no problem in keeping analysts there late and see it as a rite of passage. One of my bosses who has been in the business a while still works more hours than analysts during some weeks. He may actually be a machine, the results are still out on that one. I once got an email at 1am from one of my bosses with comments on a presentation I had worked on for him, asking me if I could make the changes and leave a copy on his chair. Obviously I want to say no, I’m going to work out and sleep, but I have to write the typical response, “Will do, thanks.” (Gun to head)
To make things worse for myself I feel the need to workout almost every day so I joined a 24/7 gym so that I could workout after work. So far the latest I’ve begun a workout is 2am, ending after 3am. The good thing about the workouts is that I can brag about them at work and gain great respect amongst my peers for having the work ethic to be in the office until 1, go to the gym, and then still be in at 1. King of the castle, king of the castle.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
6. Associates
6. Associates
The role of the associate is to get to manage their analysts and organize the presentations. Some associates are able to help an analyst with the model, do part of the presentation and impart knowledge on aspects of the industry of which they are more knowledgeable. Most associates, especially first years with no investment banking experience, simply micro-manage analysts and are basically editors, finding a misspelled word here and a wrong number there.
These associates feel that since they graduated business school and make double the money of analysts, that they are thus double as smart. They are very wrong. These associates have no modeling experience, and unless they find the time out of their micro-managing day, they never really will. So instead they rely on the analyst to do the tough digging and thought, and then they just check to make sure formulas are right and that the numbers can be found in company financials. Bravo associate, way to add some value. I could do this same job of editing, but can you do my job of creating the model? I’d say the odds are about as small as that thing attached below your waist.
Many of these half-wit associates came for other unfulfilling professions where they were underpaid and underappreciated. Then they went to business school and found this great job in investment banking and were no longer the lowest man on the totem pole. They like to remind themselves of this by ordering analysts to do stuff and taking credit for analysts work when speaking with higher-ups. First year analysts went to equivalent or better undergraduate schools, and were smart enough to get an investment banking job, yet associates assume we are unable to understand things as well as them. Preposterous I say. First year analysts also start a couple months before first year associates so have a head start on these fresh out of “b-school” associates.
Some associates are beloved by analysts because they know what they’re doing, appreciate what an analyst does, respect an analyst’s time, and help get the work done if they are more knowledgeable of a certain part. They are not the associates who leave for two hours mid-afternoon thus throwing the analyst under the bus when a higher up asks where the presentation or model is. To future associates who want a guide of how to join the bottom-tier of the associate pool, I leave you with the following guide sent to me:
1.) Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 7:00PM (especially on Friday's) and then bring it to me. The first ten hours of my day really do need to be spent mentally preparing myself for your fly-by.
2.) If it's really a "rush" job, run over to my cube and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3.) Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.
4.) If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
5.) Do your best to keep me as late as possible. I like the office and really never have anywhere to go or anything to do. Plus, the phone ring here has become a lullaby to me and I can't sleep without it.
6.) If a job I do pleases you, take the credit and keep my work a secret. Leaks like that could really cost me.
7.) If you don't like my work, tell everyone and make sure they know you had nothing to do with it. I'm a popular guy and I like my name and reputation butchered in conversation.
8.) If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done so that I can redo the work and have twice the fun.
9.) Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will surely identify them.
10.) Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
11.) Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
12.) If you need work done on the weekend, please call before 8:00AM...especially when you know I went out the night before. I hate oversleeping and love pounding headaches.
13.) When I ask questions, please remember to frown and look down upon me. I need to be reminded of my lack of experience.
14.) Furthermore, please make sure to reference the MBA program that you graduated from in every conversation we have, regardless of the topic.
I sometimes forget how much knowledge you've acquired over the past two years during case discussions. Your knowledge of "The Four P's" will undoubtedly win us a refi mandate from this small, mid-stream chemicals company.
15.) Allow me to travel only when you need pitch books carried for you.
With as much time as I spend in the office, I don't get enough weight training.
16.) Never let me know when you are coming in on the weekend to check my work. I like to be in a full state of alert, ready for your appearance at any time during the whole weekend.
17.) If I've been working diligently on a deal for the last week, please remember that I enjoy being out of the loop when it moves to the next stage. Too much information may overwhelm my limited brain capacity.
18.) If you haven't been involved or interested in something until someone above you realizes that it's important, please take command, and take credit for it. I do not like taking on large amounts of responsibility.
19.) Please bring me documents to convert into .pdf's rather than doing so yourself. This is a complicated process, and you are too valuable to lose while I am expendable.
20.) Don't drop off documents at the Press Center. Bring them to me to take there for you and don't explain your changes. I enjoy deciphering hieroglyphics in my free time. In fact, I earned an A- in Classic Civilizations during my Sophomore year of college. Looking at cave drawings has increased my appetite for this kind of thing.
21.) Never complete projects early. Changing everything at the last minute makes the job more stimulating.
22.) Don't send me changes to documents marked clearly. Instead, keep me on the phone for two hours when you're out of the office. I need to work on my communication skills.
23.) Make sure a Vice President or above does not speak with me directly. I am not mature enough to communicate with them.
24.) Please don't ask me to be creative. I thrive on processing work, especially cutting and pasting. Alt-e-s-v, baby. Bet you didn't know about that nifty little trick, did you?!?
The role of the associate is to get to manage their analysts and organize the presentations. Some associates are able to help an analyst with the model, do part of the presentation and impart knowledge on aspects of the industry of which they are more knowledgeable. Most associates, especially first years with no investment banking experience, simply micro-manage analysts and are basically editors, finding a misspelled word here and a wrong number there.
These associates feel that since they graduated business school and make double the money of analysts, that they are thus double as smart. They are very wrong. These associates have no modeling experience, and unless they find the time out of their micro-managing day, they never really will. So instead they rely on the analyst to do the tough digging and thought, and then they just check to make sure formulas are right and that the numbers can be found in company financials. Bravo associate, way to add some value. I could do this same job of editing, but can you do my job of creating the model? I’d say the odds are about as small as that thing attached below your waist.
Many of these half-wit associates came for other unfulfilling professions where they were underpaid and underappreciated. Then they went to business school and found this great job in investment banking and were no longer the lowest man on the totem pole. They like to remind themselves of this by ordering analysts to do stuff and taking credit for analysts work when speaking with higher-ups. First year analysts went to equivalent or better undergraduate schools, and were smart enough to get an investment banking job, yet associates assume we are unable to understand things as well as them. Preposterous I say. First year analysts also start a couple months before first year associates so have a head start on these fresh out of “b-school” associates.
Some associates are beloved by analysts because they know what they’re doing, appreciate what an analyst does, respect an analyst’s time, and help get the work done if they are more knowledgeable of a certain part. They are not the associates who leave for two hours mid-afternoon thus throwing the analyst under the bus when a higher up asks where the presentation or model is. To future associates who want a guide of how to join the bottom-tier of the associate pool, I leave you with the following guide sent to me:
1.) Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 7:00PM (especially on Friday's) and then bring it to me. The first ten hours of my day really do need to be spent mentally preparing myself for your fly-by.
2.) If it's really a "rush" job, run over to my cube and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3.) Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.
4.) If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
5.) Do your best to keep me as late as possible. I like the office and really never have anywhere to go or anything to do. Plus, the phone ring here has become a lullaby to me and I can't sleep without it.
6.) If a job I do pleases you, take the credit and keep my work a secret. Leaks like that could really cost me.
7.) If you don't like my work, tell everyone and make sure they know you had nothing to do with it. I'm a popular guy and I like my name and reputation butchered in conversation.
8.) If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done so that I can redo the work and have twice the fun.
9.) Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will surely identify them.
10.) Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
11.) Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
12.) If you need work done on the weekend, please call before 8:00AM...especially when you know I went out the night before. I hate oversleeping and love pounding headaches.
13.) When I ask questions, please remember to frown and look down upon me. I need to be reminded of my lack of experience.
14.) Furthermore, please make sure to reference the MBA program that you graduated from in every conversation we have, regardless of the topic.
I sometimes forget how much knowledge you've acquired over the past two years during case discussions. Your knowledge of "The Four P's" will undoubtedly win us a refi mandate from this small, mid-stream chemicals company.
15.) Allow me to travel only when you need pitch books carried for you.
With as much time as I spend in the office, I don't get enough weight training.
16.) Never let me know when you are coming in on the weekend to check my work. I like to be in a full state of alert, ready for your appearance at any time during the whole weekend.
17.) If I've been working diligently on a deal for the last week, please remember that I enjoy being out of the loop when it moves to the next stage. Too much information may overwhelm my limited brain capacity.
18.) If you haven't been involved or interested in something until someone above you realizes that it's important, please take command, and take credit for it. I do not like taking on large amounts of responsibility.
19.) Please bring me documents to convert into .pdf's rather than doing so yourself. This is a complicated process, and you are too valuable to lose while I am expendable.
20.) Don't drop off documents at the Press Center. Bring them to me to take there for you and don't explain your changes. I enjoy deciphering hieroglyphics in my free time. In fact, I earned an A- in Classic Civilizations during my Sophomore year of college. Looking at cave drawings has increased my appetite for this kind of thing.
21.) Never complete projects early. Changing everything at the last minute makes the job more stimulating.
22.) Don't send me changes to documents marked clearly. Instead, keep me on the phone for two hours when you're out of the office. I need to work on my communication skills.
23.) Make sure a Vice President or above does not speak with me directly. I am not mature enough to communicate with them.
24.) Please don't ask me to be creative. I thrive on processing work, especially cutting and pasting. Alt-e-s-v, baby. Bet you didn't know about that nifty little trick, did you?!?
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