6. Associates

6. Associates

The role of the associate is to get to manage their analysts and organize the presentations. Some associates are able to help an analyst with the model, do part of the presentation and impart knowledge on aspects of the industry of which they are more knowledgeable. Most associates, especially first years with no investment banking experience, simply micro-manage analysts and are basically editors, finding a misspelled word here and a wrong number there.

These associates feel that since they graduated business school and make double the money of analysts, that they are thus double as smart. They are very wrong. These associates have no modeling experience, and unless they find the time out of their micro-managing day, they never really will. So instead they rely on the analyst to do the tough digging and thought, and then they just check to make sure formulas are right and that the numbers can be found in company financials. Bravo associate, way to add some value. I could do this same job of editing, but can you do my job of creating the model? I’d say the odds are about as small as that thing attached below your waist.

Many of these half-wit associates came for other unfulfilling professions where they were underpaid and underappreciated. Then they went to business school and found this great job in investment banking and were no longer the lowest man on the totem pole. They like to remind themselves of this by ordering analysts to do stuff and taking credit for analysts work when speaking with higher-ups. First year analysts went to equivalent or better undergraduate schools, and were smart enough to get an investment banking job, yet associates assume we are unable to understand things as well as them. Preposterous I say. First year analysts also start a couple months before first year associates so have a head start on these fresh out of “b-school” associates.

Some associates are beloved by analysts because they know what they’re doing, appreciate what an analyst does, respect an analyst’s time, and help get the work done if they are more knowledgeable of a certain part. They are not the associates who leave for two hours mid-afternoon thus throwing the analyst under the bus when a higher up asks where the presentation or model is. To future associates who want a guide of how to join the bottom-tier of the associate pool, I leave you with the following guide sent to me:

1.) Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 7:00PM (especially on Friday's) and then bring it to me. The first ten hours of my day really do need to be spent mentally preparing myself for your fly-by.

2.) If it's really a "rush" job, run over to my cube and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3.) Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4.) If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

5.) Do your best to keep me as late as possible. I like the office and really never have anywhere to go or anything to do. Plus, the phone ring here has become a lullaby to me and I can't sleep without it.

6.) If a job I do pleases you, take the credit and keep my work a secret. Leaks like that could really cost me.

7.) If you don't like my work, tell everyone and make sure they know you had nothing to do with it. I'm a popular guy and I like my name and reputation butchered in conversation.

8.) If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.

In fact, save them until the job is almost done so that I can redo the work and have twice the fun.

9.) Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will surely identify them.

10.) Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

11.) Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

12.) If you need work done on the weekend, please call before 8:00AM...especially when you know I went out the night before. I hate oversleeping and love pounding headaches.

13.) When I ask questions, please remember to frown and look down upon me. I need to be reminded of my lack of experience.

14.) Furthermore, please make sure to reference the MBA program that you graduated from in every conversation we have, regardless of the topic.

I sometimes forget how much knowledge you've acquired over the past two years during case discussions. Your knowledge of "The Four P's" will undoubtedly win us a refi mandate from this small, mid-stream chemicals company.

15.) Allow me to travel only when you need pitch books carried for you.

With as much time as I spend in the office, I don't get enough weight training.

16.) Never let me know when you are coming in on the weekend to check my work. I like to be in a full state of alert, ready for your appearance at any time during the whole weekend.

17.) If I've been working diligently on a deal for the last week, please remember that I enjoy being out of the loop when it moves to the next stage. Too much information may overwhelm my limited brain capacity.

18.) If you haven't been involved or interested in something until someone above you realizes that it's important, please take command, and take credit for it. I do not like taking on large amounts of responsibility.

19.) Please bring me documents to convert into .pdf's rather than doing so yourself. This is a complicated process, and you are too valuable to lose while I am expendable.

20.) Don't drop off documents at the Press Center. Bring them to me to take there for you and don't explain your changes. I enjoy deciphering hieroglyphics in my free time. In fact, I earned an A- in Classic Civilizations during my Sophomore year of college. Looking at cave drawings has increased my appetite for this kind of thing.

21.) Never complete projects early. Changing everything at the last minute makes the job more stimulating.

22.) Don't send me changes to documents marked clearly. Instead, keep me on the phone for two hours when you're out of the office. I need to work on my communication skills.

23.) Make sure a Vice President or above does not speak with me directly. I am not mature enough to communicate with them.

24.) Please don't ask me to be creative. I thrive on processing work, especially cutting and pasting. Alt-e-s-v, baby. Bet you didn't know about that nifty little trick, did you?!?