18. Headhunters

18. Headhunters

Every year the animals begin hunting their prey earlier. This year, as a New Years present, the headhunters (or “Executive Search firms”) begin the first week of 2008 calling first year analysts and trying to them from their horrible place in the world to the fairy land of Hedge Funds and Private Equity firms. Think of going from Atlantic City to Las Vegas. Actually, those are both fun. Think of going from maximum-security prison to minimum-security prison. Headhunters want to convince me that they are only here to help me and really care where I wind up. Truthfully, they get paid as long as the firm likes me, so they can care less if I am happy. What about me?!?

These vultures attack by air, sea, and land (or phone and email). They called wanting to setup meetings right away so that I can get ahead of the process. In reality, they want to get to me first so that incase I’m a top candidate (which I am) and am interested in these jobs (which I’m not), they will be able to bring me around to all the firms and get paid off of me. Yes, it’s a great opportunity for me to meet top firms and land a great job that pays well, but don’t pretend like you care about my well-being. The headhunters try to charm me with their young, blond headhunters who will try to convince me that they will do what it takes to help me. I feel like I’m living in a land of multiple pimps who all want to prostitute me out. I would look good in a skimpy outfit but that’s besides the point….

After a while it started being fun. See the headhunters send out mass emails to all of the analysts they have met with, but sometimes they want to act like it is personal and throw in my name and a “thought this might interest you Jimmy.” The funny thing is, they once sent me a job for a place I had worked at and told them I hated. Caught in your web of lies headhunters!

I met with a dozen headhunters, gave them the story they wanted to hear about how I like my job but think I would love the opportunity to work at a PE shop or hedge fund. I have been investing since I was in the womb and have beaten the markets 30 times, once with 10 lives remaining. They ate it up like chocolate cake (the moist cakey type with frosting) and poof, my inbox has been filled for months with job opportunities all over the country. I try to not pickup the phone, or return their emails or calls, but they are persistent little creatures. I guess I should be happy with all of the attention they gave me. It’s not every day that beautiful women in New York City call and email me begging to talk or meet me. NBD