8. Diet Coke

8. Diet Coke

Investment bankers love caffeine, or at least force themselves to drink it to stay awake. While some rely on coffee or red bull, the casual caffeine fan grabs a cold, hard diet coke. I on the other hand, am a real man (or don’t work as hard?) and require no caffeine. I probably should, since instead of being that hyper analyst who is always hyper and smiling and wanting to help, I’m the bitter shit writing a blog to state his real feelings about the industry.

What I find so amusing about the diet coke fad is that the word diet makes people think it’s not such a bad thing. I admit, it’s not as bad for you as regular coke, but if you drink 3 a day you’re still dying your teeth a nice brown color and damaging something inside of you. If you really want to be healthy, try getting a few more hours of sleep, working out, and just chugging water so that you can’t fall asleep at work because you always have to pee. Works for me.

Plus, here’s the kicker about drinking diet coke, you look like a friggin’ pansy. Man up, drink a real coke. Chug a red bull. Do a line…wait, don’t do the last one. But seriously, drinking 3 diet cokes a day may show coworkers that you’re getting crushed and working long hours, but it also shows them that working long hours causes your testicles to shrink. Or even make a simple substitution for Coke Zero. Anything to lose the word “diet” in front of the name of what you drink. I know many of us don’t feel the need to prove our alpha male status, but if you work in a dog eat dog industry where people are losing their jobs left and right, do you really want to be the guy that is viewed as anything less than a hardcore investment banker. When the higher ups choose between you and someone else for who to fire, if he has red bulls lined around his desk and you have diet cokes with sliced limes sitting around, take a wild guess who is getting canned.