11. Free Stuff

11. Free Stuff

“Free bagels and muffins leftover from the meeting are on my desk if anyone wants.” This begins the running of the investment bankers. As soon as an assistant sends out an email indicating there is free food, everyone stops what they’re doing and runs like there’s no tomorrow. Yes, we may make at least six-figures, but nothing gets our motors going like free stuff. To get my own bagel would mean I would have to take ten minutes out of my busy day and spend $2 of my own hard-earned money. Now that’s just a ridiculous idea. Insteadddd, I could walk two seconds from my desk when this free food appears every few weeks and not have to move my fat ass to the elevator and pay for food. Amazing, I know.

Need to get analysts and associates to go to an optional meeting about a data provider? I know just the ticket to get them there, free pizza or a free giveaway. We once had one outside vendor even offer up free food AND the chance to win a free ipod. Big turnout that day!

During analyst training they give away free stuff like rubix cubes, ping pong balls and office basketball sets. One group of presenters decided that instead of putting items on each person’s desk, it would be high comedy to put all the stuff at the front of the room and see what a group of 23 year olds will do for free shit that they don’t need and will probably never use. Ok, ready? GO! Mayhem ensued and I witnessed people struggling for air to get that basketball set (maybe because I had one of them in chokehold? It was my basketball set, ass).

I love free giveaways and always attend the free lunches even though I don’t really want free pizza, just because I want to save money. A penny saved is a penny earned. And New York City is an expensive city! Even today I got a free “Speed Racer” keychain being handed out on the street. Obviously I don’t need it and have never been a “Speed Racer” fan but I just couldn’t say no when the opportunity to get something with paying presented itself. And they say there’s no free lunch? Har har har!