38. Training

38. Training

After a year’s worth of service to the investment banking gods, it comes time to teach a new set of fresh minds what it will take to survive the gauntlet I call work. HR and group heads assume that since we completed training only a year ago we know what would be best to teach the new first year analysts. So, they ask/tell us that we will be leading training and that it will “be a great experience” to share our vast ocean of knowledge. Translation: You know how to use Excel, PowerPoint, and Word, so teach the new set of monkeys what they need to know about these programs. Oh my, what an honor, yes I would love the chance to begin sucking the life out of these new analysts.

The real reason the banks are asking analysts to help out with training so much? Another chance to cut costs, of course. Instead of paying companies that specialize in training analysts and have years of experience in the field, I have a better idea! Let’s take a group of twenty-somethings who we are already paying to be analysts, and just have them teach the new analysts to do exactly what they do. No matter if these analysts suck at what they do and will be teaching incorrect methods and shortcuts, as long as we can spend no additional money. Brilliant! Little do they know that analysts don’t want to teach the boring methods and techniques the trainers use, and instead would rather crack jokes that are finance-related. Obviously the new analysts need to hear that “Chuck Norris doesn't buy gold to hedge against inflation. Gold buys Chuck Norris to hedge against inflation.” Also, “Chuck Norris doesn't target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks it until it begs for mercy.” If I had been taught these lessons a year ago, top bucket would have been a walk in the park.

At least the investment banks give analysts an incentive to put maximum effort into the training program. Oh wait….really?....they don’t give analysts any less work or some time of added bonus for volunteering to help?....Wow, that’s just wrong. I’d love to stay and tell you more about FactSet, but I just remembered I’m not paid to be a trainer. It’ll really suck when an MD asks you to do that comp set and you have no clue what that means. I guess the bank should’ve sucked it up and paid some real trainers. Investment banks used to argue over who provided the best training on the street. Now they compete to see who can get the most out of their analysts with the least costs. Social events during training? Hip clubs used to be in, but this year it is all about ice cream socials and scavenger hunts. So much more fun and “New York.” Excuse me while I go teach some new paper pushers how to kiss ass effectively.