40. Models and Bottles

40. Models and Bottles

When my brother asked what I do as an investment banking analyst, my answer to him was simple: “Models and bottles, baby.” He laughed, but soon stopped, as he realized I was not kidding. We do financial models, not fashion models unfortunately, during the day, and drink bottles at clubs at night. Following the common Ivy League mantra of “Work hard, play hard,” investment bankers like to burn the candle on both ends. Need proof? YouTube videos never lie:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=v0TGpe2KMUs&feature=related

Doesn’t sound like too rough of a life, does it? Working hard, but being able to afford convertibles and bottles and hundred dollar drinks at the top clubs in NYC, like the guy in the video. And he’s only an i-banking analyst! What more can one person accomplish upon becoming an associate, and even higher up? Own a club?

While this may sounds like a great life, the truth is that it’s all a lie. Well, at least mostly a lie. There’ absolutely no chance at fashion models, since no one that good looking would work at an investment banker. Yes, I do financial models during the day, but that is only if I’m on an interesting deal. For the most part I do monotonous work in Excel and PowerPoint. As for the bottles part, it’s more like bottles of 3-buck Chuck for me and Red Bull for others. While it is true that some 2nd and 3rd year may get bottles at clubs, there is no way in hell they can afford to do that at the trendy clubs every Thursday-Saturday and buy bottles. And, while the video shows the Analyst in a convertible, I’d say the odds of an analyst being able to afford a nice car to drive and park it in NYC are about as slim as my odds of taking Kimbo Slice in a street fight.

In conclusion, while it makes for a more interesting answer than the real investment banking job description, “models and bottles” is a bit of a stretch. While I love to make it rain like Pacman Jones, it’s just not possible every night. Once a week, maybe.