14. Lucites

14. Lucites

Some of you may be wondering what a Lucite even is, let alone why investment bankers like them so much. Well they’re little expensive toys that celebrate the multi-billion dollar deals we get done. Companies like The Award Group make these stupid little toys that help us remind our clients how great of a job we did for them and why they should continue giving us millions of dollars. Say you help Burger King do an IPO and raise $5 billion dollars. What better way to keep you on their mind than to give them a burger made of glass with your name next to theirs. And we as bankers keep these things above our desks like trophies to remind all of our coworkers of our success and why we deserve a higher bonus then them. Pompous? Lil’ bit.

During cost cutting times you’d think that we would just get rid of this act of wasting money on overpriced little toys, but these companies make sure to hound us and convince us that they are necessary. They set up little lunches or offer us tickets to events, figuring that they can take advantage of our love of free stuff and convince us that we need these “deal toys.” I refuse to eat during these lunches figuring that they are trying to drug me into believing them. You will not get to me Award Group! They also give us free golf putter sets and even put our business cards in pieces of glass to have our first Lucite. Wow, I feel special, I have my business card in a piece of fake glass! (I have one, it’s friggin’ sweet)

Here’s an idea, how about instead of wasting money on these self-congratulatory toys, we just saved the money. Maybe then we would have more money to pay employees and not lay as many people off. Or, better yet, if we felt like giving away money, we could give it to a charity or some other socially conscious organization. When I was younger I always loved receiving trophies for sports. They even gave trophies if your team finished in last place, because it made you feel good about yourself and that you were doing a good job. Well, guess what? Investment bankers should not need trophies for their every accomplishment. Isn’t the bonus enough of a trophy? Why is it that we as investment bankers need these ego boosts? They even brainwash young investment bankers like myself to think Lucites are the greatest things since sliced bread. “Analyst, if you work on this project 24/7 you’ll get a Lucite!” The firm will make millions from my hard work but I will see no part of this money, but I willllllll get a stupid piece of glass. YAAAY!